‘Don’t stay with old face ache here, he would put the mockers on anybody’
IN 1961, the BBC offered Tony Hancock scriptwriters Ray Galton and Alan Simpson the chance to create a series of sitcom pilots under the title Comedy Playhouse. One of these, a two-hander called The Offer, became their next hit show — Steptoe & Son. Wilfrid Brambell and Harry H. Corbett starred as a devious old rag-and-bone man and his frustrated son . . . trapped in a poisonous relationship neither could escape. Bleak, mordant and often cruel, it ran till 1974.
hAROLD’s been jilted at the altar, leaving him humiliated and in a terrible state; however his best man and dad Albert is far from upset. Back at the steptoes’ home there’s a knock at the door. ALBERT: It’s the door. HAROLD: I know it’s the door. ALBERT: Well . . . HAROLD: Well what? ALBERT: Well, shall I open it? HAROLD: You may open it . . .but don’t let anyone in. I am incommunicado, right?
ALBERT: Right. Yeah, leave it to me. he goes out. harold sighs heavily as he picks up a sandwich and nibbles it moodily. Albert enters. ALBERT: Here, Harold, look who it is. It’s Auntie Ethel and Uncle Ted. HAROLD: (Wearily) Dad, I thought I told you . . . Four miserable, self-conscious looking relatives come in. A man, a woman and a teenage boy and girl. the woman sniffs and goes over to harold, putting her arms round him.
AUNTIE ETHEL: Oh, you poor boy. What a terrible thing to happen. You should have your mother here on a day like this. Only a mother understands.
HAROLD: Don’t worry, Auntie Ethel, I’ll be all right.
AUNTIE ETHEL: Well, if she ever sets foot in Cairo Road, she’ll get a mouthful . . . from one end of the street to the other. If you’d like to come and stay with us for a few days, you know you’re welcome . . .
HAROLD: I’ll be all right, Auntie Ethel. AUNTIE ETHEL: It’ll be no trouble . . . will it, Ted? UNCLE TED: Eh? . . .Oh . . .no . . . AUNTIE ETHEL: You don’t want to stay here with old faceache at a time like this . . . He’d put the mockers on anybody. Albert glares at her. We hear another knock at the door. ALBERT: What did you call me? HAROLD: Dad . . . the door . . . Albert goes out to open the door. HAROLD: Have a drink while you’re here, Auntie Ethel.
AUNTIE ETHEL: Oh no, I couldn’t, not under the circumstances . . . we only came to pay our respects . . . we don’t want to impose ourselves in your hour of need . . . all right, I’ll have a small gin. Ted’ll have a brown ale.
Albert re-enters with four more relatives. AUNTIE MAY: I knew it, I knew it I’m not surprised . . . I said at the time, didn’t I say, Ethel, only last night, at the Skinners Arms, didn't I say to you I’ll be very surprised if that lasts? I knew she wasn’t any good . . . I said that wouldn’t last but nobody takes any notice of me, they think I’ve got a vicious tongue. Oh Harold, you poor boy, I can’t tell you how sorry we are . . HAROLD: Thank you, Auntie May, you’re very kind . . . AUNTIE MAY: Well, don’t forget you’re welcome to come and stay with us, get away from old misery guts for a few days. Albert reacts. AUNTIE MAY: We can always put you in the spare room . . . AUNTIE ETHEL: I’ve already asked him . . .
AUNTIE MAY: Ah yes, but we’ve got more room at our place, you’ll have a room to yourself . . . you can stay in there all day without any body interfering with you . . .
AUNTIE ETHEL: . . . we wouldn't interfere with him at our place . . .
AUNTIE MAY: Yes, but you’d be on top of him. All I’m suggesting is . . .
AUNTIE ETHEL: That your place is bigger than our place . . .
AUNTIE MAY: You’ve never forgiven me for moving away from Cairo Road, have you, Ethel?
AUNTIE ETHEL: You left me with Mother, didn’t you . . .
AUNTIE MAY: We had no choice I’ve told you before, when Herbert became an inspector we had to move nearer the garage.
HAROLD: Look . . . Auntie May Auntie Ethel . . . please . . . it’s very kind of you both, but I’d rather stop here with Dad . . . I’ll be all right . . . have a drink and (he is about to say ‘ hoppit’ but stops himself) . . .don’t start a family history for gawd’s sake . . . there is a knock on the door. ALBERT: (Calls.) The door’s open six more relatives enter, all looking sad. Uncle Arthur goes up to harold, claps him sadly on the shoulder.
UNCLE ARTHUR: Harold . . . my boy . . . words fail me . . . I just don’t know what to say. I felt for you up there, my boy, I really did. I thought to myself, he must feel a right berk up there. HAROLD: Yes . . . yes, I did . . . UNCLE ARTHUR: A terrible tragedy for the whole Steptoe family. HAROLD: Yes. UNCLE ARTHUR: You haven’t heard from her then? HAROLD: No . . . no, I haven’t. UNCLE ARTHUR: What happens if she turns up again? ALBERT: She gets a kick up the backside if I’m anywhere around. UNCLE ARTHUR:: No. No. Yes. Well then . . . er . . . what will you be doing with the mixer, then? HAROLD: The what? UNCLE ARTHUR: The mixer. The kitchen mixer. The wedding present . . . what me and Deborah gave you. You did have a look at it, didn’t you? HAROLD: Oh yes, of course. Lovely. Yes . . . thank you very much, it was just what we wanted.
UNCLE ARTHUR: Well, you did . . . I mean, it’s not much use to you now, is it?
HAROLD: No, no, of course not . . . I hadn’t thought about it, what with all that’s happened — my life being ruined and that.
UNCLE ARTHUR: No, no, of course not. But as we’re here . . . I mean, I don’t want you to think that’s why we dropped in . . . it’s just that, well, we won’t be seeing you for a long time, I suppose, and . . . well . . .
ALBERT: Are you asking for it back? UNCLE ARTHUR: No, no Albert, no, no. We were just wondering . . . you know . . . I mean, we haven’t got one . . . and well . . . 30 quid’s 30 quid . . . and well, supposing he gets another bird . . . he’ll be expecting something else, won’t he . . . I mean . . . you know . . .
AUNTIE ETHEL: Well, come to mention it . . . we were wondering about the sheets and pillow cases . . . because what with my Elsie getting engaged . . . I mean, if they’re not going to be used, there’s no point in wasting them . . .
HAROLD: Well, I wasn’t trying to hang on to them . . . I mean, I’ve only got back from the church a quarter of an hour . . . I would have got round to it . . . you know, I’m a bit sort of shell-shocked . . .
AUNTIE MAY: The fish knives and forks are ours . . . and the wooden salad bowl . . . AUNTIE ETHEL: The stainless steel gherkin and peanut bowls are from Jim and Edie. AUNTIE MAY: I’ll take those . . . when I drop in to give them the news. The others crowd round the present table, as if it’s a church bazaar. FIRST WOMAN: Is our toaster there, Bert? BERT: I can’t see it. FIRST MAN: (Picks up an electric blanket.) Whose is the electric blanket? SECOND MAN: Over here, Charlie. FIRST MAN: Coffee spoons? SECOND WOMAN: They’re ours. Two women, Freda and Daphne, start arguing over tea towels. FREDA: Here, they’re our tea towels, we gave him them. DAPHNE: You didn’t give him these tea towels. These are Irish linen. Those cheap ones over there, they’re about your mark. FREDA: We did not give him cheap ones. DAPHNE: Here’s the card. (Shows her a card.) Love from Daphne and Trevor. Satisfied? FREDA: Well, where’s ours then . . . where’s our tea towels? (She starts sorting through all the linen.) They’re not here . . . Harold, where’s our tea towels? HAROLD: I don’t know, Freda, they should be there . . . all the presents are there. FREDA: They’re not here . . . they should be on display with the rest of the presents ... or perhaps you thought they weren’t good enough.
HAROLD: No, it wasn’t that, Freda . . . Dad, have you seen Freda’s tea towels?
ALBERT: Red-and-yellow check . . . FREDA: Yes.
ALBERT: Yeah. We did the wiping up with them.
FREDA: Oh, that’s nice. Using the presents before you get married. Very nice. That’s that, then, I won’t be able to take them back to the shop, will I? And while we’re about it, I am your mother’s sister . . . and I was put into the fourth car. And I was put at the back of the church. And yet there were other people — who aren’t even family, mark you, who . . .
ALBERT: Oh for gawd’s sake, Freda, give your ears a chance . . .
FREDA: Oh, I realise we were lucky to be invited at all . . . if he had got married, that would have been the last we would have seen of him. I haven’t even been offered a drink yet. All the others agree: ‘Neither have I,’ ‘Nor have we,’ etc. Harold has been twitching and building up his anger until it finally explodes. HAROLD: Shut up . . . the lot of you. They are shocked into silence. HAROLD: I have never, never seen such a mean, callous, hateful, selfish load of unsympathetic bleeders in all my life. Well, I don’t want you or your presents in my house one minute longer. Harold lifts up the window behind the table. Picks up a steam iron. HAROLD: One steam iron. FIRST WOMAN: That’s ours. Harold tosses it out of the window. The man and woman who gave it run out of the room. HAROLD: One coffee pot. Harold throws it out of the window. Two others leave. Albert joins in. ALBERT: One fruit bowl. (Throws it out of the window.) One tea service . . . Albert throws the tea service out, one piece at a time. Uncle Arthur and his wife run out. Harold and Albert sling out the presents. HAROLD: Three flying ducks . . . table napkins . . . ALBERT: One vase. (We hear a scream.) Got her. Harold picks up a large box. SECOND WOMAN: No, don’t. That’s our dinner service. Harold makes to throw it at them. Everybody left now panics and runs out. Harold slings it out of the window. The room is now empty save for Harold and Albert. ALBERT: I enjoyed that.