‘I like that new book of the Bible– the Da Vinci Code’

THE gentle sitcom The Vicar Of Dibley ran from 1994 to 2015 — and it is hard to recall how modern it was to have a woman as a parish priest. Dawn French’s cheerful character Geraldine was stuffed with surprises, as was her ditzy church warden, Alice (Emma Chambers).

ALICE: I’m reading that fantastic new book from the Bible. GERALDINE: What fantastic book from the Bible? ALICE: The Da Vinci Code. Do you know, it’s so much better than Genesis and that boring old stuff. GERALDINE: I hate to tell you, Alice, but the Da Vinci Code is not a new book in the Bible. It’s just a story. ALICE: Oh, that is so disappointing. GERALDINE: I know . . . ALICE: To think, the Catholic church has fooled you as well, Mrs Gullible Gusset. That’s what they want you to believe. And, I’ve been thinking. . . GERALDINE: Oh, always a worry.

ALICE: Well, you know how Jesus married Mary Magdalene and their descendants are still alive today but their true identities are hidden in these Da Vinci Codes?

GERALDINE: Ooh, I’ve a horrible feeling I know where you’re going with this.

ALICE: And, you know how Mary Magdalene is the chalice that received Jesus’s seed? GERALDINE: Yup, you’re going there . . .

ALICE: Well, the Code is so obvious. What name rhymes with chalice? Geraldine turns around and Alice points at herself. Geraldine stands up.

GERALDINE: Let me just get this straight. You believe that you, Alice, are the direct descendant of Jesus Christ?

ALICE: Well, it’s hard to come to any other conclusion with the evidence available. I mean, think about it: why have I had so many children?

GERALDINE: Because you don’t know how condoms work!

ALICE: Because my Holy Quest is to populate the earth with God’s children. And, here’s the clincher: when I first asked my mother who my real father was, why did she say ‘God knows’?

GERALDINE: Look, Alice . . . Alice goes over to Geraldine and makes the sign of blessing. ALICE: Do not worry, my child. The knowledge that I am Christ’s offspring on earth will not change me. GERALDINE: Wow, that’s a shame.