Move over Freddie, it’s Mr Blobby!

The release of Bohemian Rhapsody, the new film about Freddie Mercury, offers the perfect opportunity to reassess the greatest showbiz biopics of all time. (No. 1) Blobby! The True Story of Mr Blobby This 1995 biopic charts the troubled childhood of the iconic Eighties star Mr Blobby, his early struggles and triumphant rise to the top of the UK charts, followed by his tragic descent into drink and drugs.

‘i wanted to capture the side of Blobby no one ever knew,’ explains screenwriter Peter Morgan. ‘To the public, he was the happy-go-lucky figure with the ready grin and jiggling eyes, but to his friends he was this deeply disturbed individual who had to wrestle with his demons.’

in one of the most harrowing early scenes, 13-yearold Cedric Blobby is taken to the doctor by his mother, Esmerelda Blobby (Judi Dench).

‘i’ve always felt somehow . . . i don’t know . . . different from other people’, he confesses to the doctor (Morgan Freeman). After a full examination, Freeman tells him he has good news and bad news. Bravely, Blobby asks for the bad news first.

‘Well, son, i’ve examined your skin and — forgive me, there’s no easy way to say this — it’s entirely pink with yellow dots. Not only that, son, but you’re bald, obese, you have no thumbs and no toes, and the only words you ever utter are “Blobby-blobby-blobby”.’

This represents a shattering blow for the young Blobby. Mrs Blobby is called in, and the doctor chokes back his tears while she hugs her beloved son. ‘Could you give us a few moments, doc?’ she says.

Alone with his mother, the young Blobby plunges into a spiral of heartache and despair. ‘i’ll never amount to anything, Mom! Not like this! Not with my skin all pink with yellow dots!’

he then turns on his mother, poking her with his bulbous fingers. ‘And why did you never buy me any clothes to wear, Mom? No wonder folks always looked at me kinda odd! Jist look at me, Mom — i’m NAKED, goddammit!’ he breaks down, and falls into her arms.

Mrs Blobby pats him reassuringly, telling him that, come what may, she’ll always believe in him. ‘Follow your dreams, son,’ she says. ‘And be the Blobby you’ve always wanted to be.’ There is a knock on the door. it is the doctor. ‘ And now for the good news,’ he says. ‘Top TV personality Noel Edmonds (John Malkovich) wants you for the second series of house Party.

‘he says they’ve been looking high and low for someone who looks and behaves like you! Yes, son, you’re going to be a . . . star!’

And so it proves. Mr Blobby becomes a household name, ushered to the best tables in restaurants and welcomed at all the hottest showbiz events.

But with success comes jealousy from unexpected quarters.

Blobby notices his one- time mentor Noel Edmonds is strangely silent, even reproachful. in a key scene, Blobby overhears a conversation between Edmonds and their TV producer (Jason Robards).

‘Are you really telling me you wanna make me the sidekick to that great fat pink and yellow freak?’ screams Edmonds. ‘ You must be stark, staring CRAZY! Tell me i’m not hearing this!’

‘ The audience has turned against you, Noel. They used to love you, but they’ve grown irritated by your silly little beard and your brightly coloured shirts, and are repelled by your know- it- all manner. They want someone who’s easier in his own body — someone just like . . . Blobby.’ someone, somewhere, starts to leak vicious stories to the Press about Blobby’s nights of passion in a West End hotel with two Teletubbies, and his increasing dependence on alcohol and drugs.

soon, Blobby reaches rock bottom, and starts fluffing his lines on prime-time television. his producer is furious. ‘ Damn you, Blobby — you were meant to say “Blobby-blobby-blobby” but you just said, “Blobby-blobby” and then you fell over! screw it up one more time, and that’s it! Never forget this, Blobby — i made you —and i can break you!’

Matt Damon gives a stunning Oscar-winning performance in the title role. however, some critics felt that the see-sawing relationship between Mr Blobby and Noel Edmonds strayed too close to the plot of A star is Born. The film performed poorly at the box office, but has since become a cult classic.