Don’t spend life skulking in the shadows!

STEPH SAYS:

I FEEL for you. I really do. I can see how you’ve ended up in this spot. You’ve only been together for 18 months, so I can imagine that as time has drifted by you’ve just kind of sat there, hopeful, not wanting to push him, not wanting to be needy, quietly waiting for him to sort this out. But he hasn’t.

I also understand why he’s just let this happen.

I’ve seen friends go through brutal splits and I understand why your boyfriend might be wary of jeopardising either his relationship with his children, or with you. Or both.

I’ve also been a secret girlfriend myself, because the guy in question didn’t want to upset his ex. And while I admired his kindness, there was a time limit on how long I was prepared to tolerate it.

For you, I think the time has come. You need to find the confidence to address it, and when you do, you need to do so gently.

Do not, under any circumstances, throw your toys out of the pram. Tell him you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level. And explain that you don’t enjoy the subterfuge you’re having to endure.

Tell him you’re struggling with it because it is not who you are. You are an honest and open person and hiding the truth is not your thing.

Don’t forget to point out that you’ve gone along with this because you adore him, but ask him to be brave enough to show his family he’s moved on.

Explain that by not doing so, he is damaging your self-confidence and altering your perception of how he feels about you. And point out this is an opportunity for him to unburden himself and move on from the pain and the anger of the divorce. He has you now — he isn’t on his own any more and he doesn’t need to pretend he is.

After all, teenagers are pretty perceptive. They probably already know Dad has a girlfriend. And they’ll probably appreciate him being honest with them.

Of course, it’s possible that your inner fears are correct and he isn’t committed to you and has — deliberately — kept you hidden for that reason.

However, I think you know the time has come to face the issue here. You need to be brave enough to find out if he doesn’t see you as serious relationship material, and if that’s the case, then you must walk away.

You absolutely must not let him steal your time if he’s not serious about you.

So, grab a huge bottle of claret and tell him you need to talk. Sit him down, hold his hand and be honest. Tell him what you are asking of him — and why.

Yes, you risk losing him, but that’s better than the prospect of skulking in the shadows for the rest of your life. You musn’t do that. Believe in yourself. You deserve more.