BEL

DEAR BEL,

MY FIRST marriage (at 18) was a mistake, but I became pregnant in quick succession with my eldest son, then twin boys. The marriage broke up after only four years, but with the help of my super parents I was able to train and qualify as a nurse.

After eight years on my own with the boys, I married a wonderful man. That’s the background.

My eldest son (now 52) lives abroad, but we’re in regular contact and I see him often. The twins’ lives have been complicated: they’re identical but absolutely chalk and cheese in character. Now 51, they’ve always been competitive and not in the best way.

Both have very good jobs; however, one twin has just divorced for the fourth time! That, as you can imagine, is a story in itself.

He has four children from two of the marriages, loves them equally, but is estranged from the eldest two. His life has been a major problem to his twin (No 2) and they have been estranged for just over a year.

This second twin’s wife has been very vocal in her condemnation and is totally opposed at any rapprochement, even though twin number one really wants it.

Now for my problem. My second twin (who has two wonderful daughters) was diagnosed with cancer in 2013 and — to cut a long, painful story short — the situation is now very bad. He has been extremely brave, strong and determined. My husband and I visited the hospital every day and gave his wife some lifts, as she doesn’t drive.

Now, to try to lighten the doom and gloom, my husband and I had a T-shirt printed with a ‘humorous’ caption involving the name of the special procedure he had just had.

My son loved it, the nurses and his surgeon thought it ‘great’ and many asked to take a photo of it. However, my daughter-in-law took great offence at the joke. She has told me that now he is home, I am not to visit — because I am no longer welcome.

I asked if we could talk and try to resolve things, but had a flat refusal. In a text, she actually called me hideous. My son is aware of what’s gone on, but is not strong enough to help put matters right.

At this difficult time in all our lives, I feel his wife should be trying to help maintain harmony. My son’s illness is terminal. I now feel I have no option to butt out, rather than add more stress. It means I will probably lose contact with my beloved granddaughters.

I feel so dreadfully hurt, but my son needs his energy spent on recovery, not warring women. Please can you offer me any words of comfort?

Stand- up comedians know a joke that misfires can be embarrassing (a room flattens into silence) or toxic (people walk out in hurt and rage).

this is such a sad story, but forgive me for saying this — even in your heartfelt email you strike a discordant note when you justify the t- shirt by writing ‘to try to lighten the doom and gloom’.

I know you, the loving mother, mean no harm by that trite phrase, but I ask you to understand that when a man is dying, there’s not much going on except ‘doom and gloom’ and — never mind the smiles of strangers — your inappropriate, jokey t-shirt must have shocked your daughter-in-law.

I omit all details of your son’s specific diagnosis, treatment and the spread of the cancer; suffice it to say that the past five years have been utter hell and she must be miserable, exhausted and absolutely terrified. Well-meant flippancy is the last thing she needs.

It sounds as though you want me to think her unreasonably confrontational. that’s why you reveal she was obstructive concerning any rapprochement — the implication being that she disapproves of your other twin’s divorces/lifestyle.

It may well be true that she has a rather firm, unforgiving personality. (Mind you, I’d love to know whether she actually called ‘hideous’ or if she was referring to the tasteless t- shirt as hideous.) In truth, you