My son is dying but his wife won’t let me see him

probably experienced little irritations long before your son’s illness: perfectly normal mother/ daughter-in-law stress, and not your fault.

But much as I sympathise with you — and I really do — I’d like to point out something else in your email: ‘At this difficult time in all our lives, I feel his wife should be trying to help maintain harmony.’ yes, it would indeed be marvellous if this sad, tired, difficult woman could turn herself into that saint.

But suppose she, in turn, had written this to me: ‘At this difficult time in our lives, I feel his mother should be trying to understand what I’m going through and help maintain harmony.’ Would she be right? I’m afraid she would.

I can see both sides of this sad quarrel, which is (as you say) the last thing the family needs at a time like this. But I think you have to be the ‘grown-up’.

you asked me for ‘ words of comfort’ — and I realise I’m not giving them. But I simply cannot take sides against the woman whose husband is dying by glibly comforting the one whose son is dying. you are both ‘hurt’ — and angry, as well as grieving for the same beloved man. So please act.

Have you told her you know the wretched T-shirt was a mistake — and apologised properly? Is there someone who can mediate? your eldest son could be helpful, so have you told him?

Does the first twin know how ill his brother is? If those beloved granddaughters are old enough to have views of their own, why do you assume you will ‘probably lose contact’? Anyway, who is helping them through their father’s terminal illness?

Questions are better than indignation. you were once a devoted young, single mother to three boys and, with the help of wonderful parents, you gave them maximum love and attention. Now you are a devoted mother and grandmother who most certainly must not ‘butt out’ — but step forward, offering love and strength which will be needed in the dark days ahead.