What was the secret to Harry cleaning up in the jungle?
Good morning. If you are reading this, it means you have survived the annual indulgence that is Christmas day and are now looking for something by turns intellectually stimulating and challenging, to pull you out of your stupor and point you in the bold direction of the New Year. This isn’t it. If, however, you are searching for a quiz that is so easy we actually tell you the answers in advance — it’s d, it’s always d — then you’ve come to the right page. This is a quiz that can be tackled on the back of six pints of sherry or approached without fear by the bloke who went on Rock FM and, asked for the name of a film starring Bob Hoskins that was also a painting by Leonardo da Vinci, replied: ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’ It’s the Christmas quiz. Get any wrong and you truly are thicker than mince, or david davis. It’s the same thing.
JANUARY
1. Maria Sharapova paraded the cup at the opening ceremony of the Australian open tennis tournament. Her most recent contribution to the competition had been: (a) a final victory. (b) an impromptu duet with Rolf Harris.
(c) a 12-round victory over Jabby, the boxing kangaroo.
(d) a failed drugs test. 2. danny denison, the self- styled ‘bad boy of lawn bowls’ was involved in an altercation with a cage fighter at a hotel in Bournemouth. He suffered: (a) a black eye. (b) a broken leg. (c) extensive rib damage. (d) all of the above. 3. Who played Glory Glory Man United on the piano?
(a) an exceptionally gifted dachshund that won Britain’s Got Talent. (b) Noel Gallagher. (c) Paul Pogba’s hair stylist. (d) Alexis Sanchez. 4. According to a Newport County scouting dossier, Aurier and Sanchez are: (a) a boutique Franco- Chilean winery, well worth exploring. (b) the must-hear dJ team in Ibiza next summer. (c) a pop-up tapas bar under the railway arches in Neath. (d) the ‘weakness in Tottenham’s defence’, at £75m.
FEBRUARY
5. Which football powerhouse did Football Association chairman Greg Clarke sign a memorandum of understanding with? (a) Germany. (b) Brazil. (c) Port Vale. (d) Qatar. 6. According to the BBC, who was ‘one of the bravest people we’ve ever seen’:
(a) the disposal expert defusing a bomb at City Airport.
(b) anyone using Virgin Railways on a weekend, or GWR ever. (c) Manchester City’s accountant. (d) Elise Christie, an accidentprone speed skater.
7. Who did West Ham chief scout Tony Henry describe as causing mayhem and having a bad attitude? (a) West Ham’s landlords. (b) West Ham’s fans. (c) West Ham’s directors. (d) West Ham’s African players. 8. Who, according to West Ham supporters at Anfield, had ‘ done more damage to the East End than Adolf Hitler’? (a) Hermann Goering. (b) my uncle Stan, on payday. ( c) the bloke who thought up jellied eels.
(d) Brady, Sullivan and Gold.
MARCH
9. What caused the Greek league to be suspended? (a) a catch of bad calamari. (b) Angela Merkel. (c) a Nana Mouskouri comeback tour. (d) Ivan Savvidis, owner of PAoK Salonika, invading the pitch, armed with a gun. 10. After Amber Rudd, Home Secretary, said the government would react with a cool head to the Novichok attacks in Salisbury, Boris Johnson, Foreign Secretary, proposed: (a) sending the boys round. ( b) sending Jacob Rees-Mogg round. (c) challenging Roman Abramovich to a game of wiff waff. (d) boycotting the World Cup. 11. Sam Allardyce took to including Everton’s 4-0 win over West Ham on November 29 as part of his record at the club. This came as a surprise to david Unsworth as on the night he had: (a) picked the team. (b) given the team talk. (c) managed the team. (d) all of the above.
APRIL
12. The Football League investigated Accrington Stanley over illegal recompense to players. This took the form of: (a) under-the-counter payments. (b) over-the-counter payments. (c) payments in which the counter was completely left out of it.
(d) A Mcdonald’s, if they won. 13. Why was the route of Manchester City’s team bus to Anfield made public?
(a) Merseyside Police didn’t want the fans to have wasted money on all those bricks they had bought.
(b) so officers could avoid the area and not get caught up in any unpleasantness.
(c) some of the lads wanted to arrive early and get their eye in.
(d) health and safety. 14. Granit Xhaka, Arsenal’s captain, failed to track Paul Pogba for Manchester United’s first goal when the teams met because he: (a) was laughing at his new emoji. (b) was trying to read what was shaved into his hair.
(c) thought very little was going to happen, as per usual.
(d) was adjusting his socks.
MAY
15. Patrick van Aanholt scored the goal that relegated Stoke, a club with which he has no connection. did he:
(a) do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.
(b) reveal a tattoo of his childhood heroes, Mike and Bernie Winters.
(c) accidentally release Crystal Palace’s eagle, Kayla, causing it to terrorise customers at a nearby Sainsbury’s deli counter.
(d) apologise. 16. Why did Red Star Belgrade’s players curtail the open-top bus parade to celebrate winning the title?
(a) they took a wrong turn and ended up in Croatia.
(b) they saw a ticket inspector and had to leg it at the next stop.
(c) the driver put in his overtime form and nearly bankrupted the club.
(d) a fan’s flare immolated it.
17. What did Liam Ridehalgh of Tranmere receive after 54 seconds of the National League play-off final? ( a) total spiritual awareness. ( b) a summons for unpaid library tickets. (c) a vanload of dead badgers. (d) a red card.
JUNE
18. 18. Asbel Kiprop, Kenya’s 1500 metre Olympic champion, said he paid money to drug testers by bank transfer because he thought it would be used for: (a) a blinding night out.
( b) a more efficient testing programme.
( c) a fortnight’s holiday holiday in in Benidorm.
(d) a nice cup of tea. 19. 19. Where was the draw for the first round of the Carabao Cup held? (a) my place. (b) the Big Brother house. (c) the international space station. (d) Vietnam. 20. 20. Explaining a paltry £22,000 fine for the racist targeting of black players during a friendly between France and Russia, FIFA’s deputy general secretary Zvonimir Boban said a country shouldn’t be punished ‘due to the behaviour of a few idiots’. What did just one idiot do to earn England a £16,000 fine?
(a) stand in the middle of Red Square with his trousers on his head, singing ‘It’s coming home’.
(b) stick an extra large pickle through the Kremlin’s letterbox while shouting, ‘Mr Putin, Mr Putin, the Martians are coming’.
(c) poison Salisbury and facilitate a state - sponsored doping programme.
(d) drink from a can of Red Bull, instead of the sponsors’ brand, while on the bench at the Under 20 World Cup.
21. 21. Birmingham City’s ground, St Andrews, was renamed the Trillion Trophy Stadium. How many trophies have Birmingham actually won? (a) a trillion. (b) a billion. (c) a million. (d) two. 22. 22. Engineers at McLaren — budget £200m — received a bonus for good work. Was it: (a) ten per cent of salary. (b) ten per cent of a second-hand Toyota Prius.
(c) an all-expenses-paid trip to the Milton Keynes Snozone.
(d) a 25p chocolate bar.
JULY
23. Which of the following is not a work by Ilya Repin, a Russian realist painter, after whom England’s World Cup base, Repino, was named? (a) Barge Haulers on the Volga. (b) Religious Procession in Kursk Province.
(c) Alexander III Receiving Rural District Elders in the Yard of Petrovsky Palace in Moscow.
(d) Roy Hodgson on the Big Screen Looking Thoughtful as England Tank it Against Iceland.
24. World Cup hosts Russia were blamed for injuring Marcelo of Brazil. What dastardly trick had they perpetrated?
( a) stabbing with a poisoned umbrella tip.
(b) a urine-swapping positive test fit-up.
(c) a particularly bad haircut, even by Soviet standards.
(d) his bed was too soft. 25. Where were desperate England fans prevented from watching the World Cup win over Colombia? (a) Scotland. (b) Wales. (c) Bogota.
( d) the All- England Club, Wimbledon.
26. What did Johanna Konta claim her opponent Dominika Cibulkova was doing to put her off during her second round Wimbledon exit? (a) practicing the trombone. (b) armpit raspberries. (c) playing the spoons. (d) slapping her thigh.
AUGUST
27. Who is one of the best defenders in the world, according to Dejan Lovren? (a) Virgil van Dijk. b) Raphael Varane. (c) Sergio Ramos. (d) Dejan Lovren. 28. Who is the new manager of CSKA Sofia? (a) Jolly Jim Jammers and his Magic Bag of Spanners. (b) Sam Allardici. (c) David Moyes. (d) Nestor El Maestro (formerly John Smith).
SEPTEMBER
29. Why could Serena Williams not possibly have received illegal coaching during the US Open final? (a) her coach was in a 30-minute line for loaded nachos. (b) because she’s won 39 Grand Slam titles and doesn’t really need advice from a bloke who didn’t win any. (c) because she is engaged in a perpetual struggle for the rights of all women, apart from the one across the net, who might just want to get on with the tennis. (d) because she has a daughter. 30. What did Romano Fenati do to disturb rival Stefano Manzi at 140mph in a Moto2 event? ( a) he told him his flies were undone. (b) he told him God doesn’t exist. (c) he attempted to resolve Brexit. (d) he pulled his brake lever. 31. Who instructed their merchandise-hungry fans: ‘ Follow the link in your bio to get your s***.’? (a) Stormzy. (b) Jacob Rees-Mogg. (c) Darcey Bussell. (d) the RFU.
OCTOBER
32. 3 Kevin Keegan re revealed in his autobiography b that he h had once attended S St James’ Park in di disguise — so poor w was his relationship w with Mike Ashley. Ke Keegan wore glasses, af a flat cap, turned up th the collar on his overcoat, co parked a distance ta away and ar arrived via a back do door ‘ sticking to the shadows and avoiding eye contact with passers- by’. Once there, a member of staff greeted him with:
(a) didn’t you used to play for Sunderland?
(b) get lost Ashley, you fat b******, we know it’s you. (c) f*****’ hell, it’s Fred Titmus. (d) hello, Kevin. 33. Corine Remande suffered a terrible and tragic accident while watching the Ryder Cup. But what did she think spectators should be warned about more extensively? (a) buzzards. (b) drones. (c) Prince Andrew. (d) golf balls. 34. Why did Leon Bailey of Bayer Leverkusen refuse to play for Jamaica against Bonaire? (a) he couldn’t find his passport. (b) he couldn’t find Bonaire. (c) something went awry with the paperwork and it turned out he’s actually from Swindon.
(d) they wouldn’t pick his little brother, Kyle.
35. The referee of the Women’s Super League match between Manchester City and Reading forgot his coin for the pre-match toss up. How did he resolve this? (a) match abandoned. (b) mud wrestling. (c) an impromptu beauty contest. (d) rock, paper, scissors.
NOVEMBER
36. Why might Will Salthouse, the agent, have been keen to get his clients into a sponsored box at Cheltenham? (a) he was lonely. (b) he had a lot of salmon canapes he needed to shift. (c) the local tattoo parlour was on strike and he didn’t want them just roaming the streets. (d) £10,000 in free bets for him. 37. Which of these statements can correctly be attributed to Newcastle and Scotland flanker Gary Graham? ( a) I’d love to play against Scotland, make a thousand tackles and shove it in their faces. (b) England want to be number one — I doubt Scotland will ever get near. ( c) I’m Scottish through and through. (d) All of them. 38. What reason did Harry Redknapp give for emptying the dunny daily as his chore in the jungle? ( a) once you’ve managed at Birmingham one more barrel of s***e hardly matters. (b) the same joke but with Queens Park Rangers. (c) it’s more fun than another night in with Noel Edmonds. (d) he has no sense of smell.
DECEMBER
39. Yaya Toure was famously disgruntled when Manchester City did not give him a birthday cake. What was he given after three months at Olympiacos? (a) jelly and ice cream. (b) a brand new red fire truck. (c) the bumps. (d) the bullet. And compliments of the season to you all. Answers: D.