MEET THE OLDHAM HEROES

OLDHAM’S backroom staff (who insisted on anonymity!) give their guide to the League Two underdogs…

DANIEL IVERSEN

On-loan Leicester keeper comes from Denmark. Can’t stop swearing in interviews. His first went like this. Reporter: ‘You made some great saves today.’ Daniel: ‘Yes, some f****** great saves.’

TOM HAMER

Young local lad. Always in front of the mirror. Trots out, ‘This is a proud moment for my family’, every time he speaks to the Press.

PETER CLARKE

Tough Scouser known as ‘Skip’and veteran of 700 league games. His parents go to every game. Could start a fight in an empty room.

GEORGE EDMUNDSON

Defender who came through the youth system. His shoulders don’t match his body — they’re too big. He looks like he’s wearing Debbie Harry’s shoulder pads.

GEVARO NEPOMUCENO

Charmer who never stops smiling and flashing his gold tooth. Has the award for best-smelling Oldham player and 36 caps for Curacao.

CALLUM LANG

Another Scouser. When not scoring goals, he’s next to Tom Hamer in front of a mirror.

JORDAN LYDEN

Hard-tackling Aussie midfielder on loan from Villa. He’s the first to ask the club photographer for snaps of himself to put on social media.

CHRIS MISSILOU

French-born Congo midfielder. He takes English lessons twice a week and has a different handshake for each of his team-mates and staff. JOHAN BRANGER-ENGONE Humble and friendly with odd dress sense. He wears one trouser leg up and one down. We ask if his cat died but don’t think he gets it.

MOHAMED MAOUCHE

Mighty Moosh. Hardly played last season and joked that he was hired as a translator for one year (for all the other French-speakers) and a player for the next.

CHRIS O’GRADY

Most elegantly-spoken footballer ever. Lovely man. Dropped to the bench recently and his response was, ‘However disappointed I am, this move makes total sense.’ Great bloke.

SAM SURRIDGE

(substitute) Remember that song for Red Nose Day — All About You. He’ll never make a NASA scientist, but he is an unbelievable finisher.

PETE WILD

(caretaker manager) Raised above pubs across Oldham (his dad was a landlord). For his stag do, hosted a half-pint challenge in all the locals in his district. Meant to be in London with his pals and they had told him he would have to pay for his ticket if we lost. That won’t happen now.