I fear he has a woman in every port

DOM SAYS:

Thank you for your letter, but oh boy, what a mess! My first instinct is to look closely at this man with whom you’ve spent 26 years of your life. he is obviously successful and wealthy, very possibly charismatic, witty and seductive. But he is also self-evidently a man who has issues with both commitment and letting go. Let’s not beat around the bush — your boyfriend is a serial bigamist in all but name.

Frankly, I am amazed you’ve lasted so long. In the full version of your letter you say his financial support of another girlfriend, and indeed children, came to light a while ago.

I don’t want to be harsh, but I do wonder whether, with a bit more digging, yet more liaisons would come to light.

I’m afraid he does strike me as the archetypal travelling salesman type with a woman in every port — except in this case he has pots of money to splash on all of you.

You say you’ve woven a life together, but how meaningful is it really? You share properties, cars, mutual friends who believe you’re the only woman in his life — and yet at weekends he is with his wife! Where did he spend Christmas? With her, not you.

I’m not surprised he hasn’t divorced his wife. Quite apart from obviously still enjoying the company of the family and her, he would lose a substantial part of his wealth to her in a divorce settlement, and compromise the funds he needs to maintain such a carefully crafted deception.

I am not saying he doesn’t love you, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t using you, too. I think he enjoys having women depend on him to pay the bills.

he has fostered this neediness in you, and by showering you with expensive clothes and holidays, kept you where he wants you.

I’m convinced an ultimatum wouldn’t work. he is not going to leave his wife for you, but after 26 years, you know that. Should you walk away? I don’t think he’s worth hanging on to — but why make it easy for him?

My advice is to play him at his own game. Enjoy him when it suits you, not the other way around. have fun on your exotic holidays, buy yourself some new frocks, and keep your eyes open for someone else.

Use the time he spends with his wife to date. I bet it will make you realise how much better off you could be — if not financially, then in terms of self-respect and peace of mind — and move you closer to a life without him.

no flash cars or jewels can make up for the dignity you’ve lost by staying in this man’s double life.