Oooh, Mavis, Vera coos so much, it’s as if she’s swallowed a pigeon

Don’t read on if you ever want to enjoy Vera (ItV) again. What I’m about to reveal will ruin it for ever. this slow-paced detective series has never been one of my favourites. It’s always crammed with crime cliches, as if star Brenda Blethyn has raided a store cupboard of stock murder-mystery scenes and scattered them throughout the plot.

As Vera returned for a ninth season, we were treated to a shelf-load of tired old conventions: the retired copper with a guilty conscience about a cold case; the CID squad sharing a Chinese takeaway in the office as they swap theories; the artist setting up her first exhibition by dangling coloured neon tubes around a gallery.

But formulaic crime drama isn’t so bad on a lazy Sunday evening. It’s Vera herself I don’t like. that querulous voice, aching with concern, rubs me right up the wrong way. It sounds just like someone else — but who?

As she tracked down the killer of a young psychologist whose body had been dumped on a landfill site, the penny dropped. It’s Mavis Wilton from Coronation Street. oooh dear, Derek . . .

thelma Barlow, who played Mavis for more than 25 years before leaving the soap in 1997, had that wavering coo in her voice, like she had swallowed a pigeon and wasn’t sure if she ought to mention it. DCI Vera Stanhope sounds the same, especially when she’s oozing sympathy.

After grilling a murder suspect whose private life was a smouldering wreck, Vera fussed: ‘He’s pushing 60, girlfriend half his age and a new bairn on the way, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.’

You half expect her to add: ‘And he’s two weeks late paying his paper bill — oooh, I don’t know what to do!’

But Mavis would never fall asleep over the wheel of her Land Rover while waiting for a forensics team to finish combing a murder site. Vera’s juniors revere her, though in the real world any Detective Chief Inspector snoring in her car while younger officers do the hard work might as well wear a placard that says: ‘overdue for retirement.’

Mostly, Vera’s role seems to be finding a deserted beach or moody canalside where she can stare into the distance, until an eager cadet rushes up with an evidence bag containing the clue that could crack the case. oooh, isn’t that lovely, Derek?

Sister Monica Joan ( Judy Parfitt) might seem overdue for retirement, too, but she made it quite clear in Call The Midwife (BBC1) that she’s not going anywhere — and thank goodness for that.

She survived bronchitis, a swift bout of dementia and a freezing night on the steps of a derelict building with barely any ill effects. Her magnificently verbose dialogue, full of Biblical quotations and poetic allusion, is a guaranteed delight in every episode, and it’s obvious that writer Heidi thomas loves the character.

two new nuns arrived, though we didn’t see much of Fenella Woolgar as Sister Hilda — all jolly lacrosse sticks and no nonsense, gals. Sister Frances ( Ella Bruccoleri) played a bigger part as the naive novice, an important role in a cast that was in danger of being too weighted with brisk, competent grown-ups.

As ever, the story didn’t shy away from difficult issues and raw scenes. the suffering of a young woman after an illegal abortion was horrible to see.

Meanwhile, trixie ( Helen George) is sticking to the orange juice and cheroots . . . for now. one glance at that brittle smile and you know she’s a chocolate liqueur away from meltdown.