Confused about your Brexuality?
A GUIDE TO GET YOU THROUGH THE EURO MAZE
BREXACT FIGURES: Any number mentioned during a Brexit argument. ‘It’ll cost us AT LEAST 950 billion, which is £625,000 for every man, woman and child in the country, and — no, don’t argue —that’s based on figures supplied by the ILA (Institute of Long Addition).’ BREXAGGERATION: Prophecy delivered in an omniscient manner in the third hour of any Brexit discussion. ‘If we leave/don’t leave the EU, then don’t blame me when we’re forced to eat Spam for the rest of our lives, and our children are sent up the chimneys and the only thing to watch on TV is repeats of Eldorado.’ BREXAMPLE: Conclusive evidence derived from private knowledge. ‘Let me give you just one brexample. Someone I used to know once met someone who said that someone had told him that over 10,000 economic migrants are turning up in East Sussex every single day, wearing bowler hats and carrying umbrellas. And that’s just Bexhill!’ BREXASPERATION: Default mood of protesters in bobblehats and anoraks waving Union Jacks outside the Palace of Westminster. BREXCAVATE: To dig deep, in search of obscure facts about the EU. ‘ You may not know this, Andrew, but the Germans have long held exclusive cabbagefarming rights to the Pennines. So much for your beloved Common Agricultural Policy!’ BREXCENTRIC: Archly offbeat expounder of brexaggerated views (See Brexaggeration). ‘It greatly pleases me to remind you that both my nanny and my teddy bear remains as firmly committed to No Deal as am I.’ BREXCLAMATION: Shrill interjection whenever interviewer wants to move on. ‘If you’ll just LET ME FINISH, Andrew!’ BREXCLUSION ZONE: Special edict to ensure that Iain Duncan Smith and Anna Soubry are heard on radio and TV no more than 33 times per day. BREXERCISE BIKE: Machine that allows anyone to repeat the same opinion over and over again, without getting anywhere. BREXHAUSTION: State of feeling worn-out and drained as a result of talking about Brexit for more than three hours at a stretch. ‘He simply wouldn’t understand my point about the backstop issue, no matter how often I told him! And now you wonder why I’m Brexhausted!’ BREXHUME: To dig up old quotes made by an interviewee in order to embarrass him on air. ‘ Back in 2004, you said, and I quote, that you would never, I repeat, NEVER, sanction an opt- out to the fruit and vegetables clause in the Maastricht agreement. So why did you change your mind?’ BREXPANSIONISM: Taking the debate to every corner of the country with the aim of soliciting the brexpert opinion (see Brexpert) of every single inhabitant of the UK on the likely consequences of a no-deal Brexit within the period of the next ten to 15 years. ‘ And here in Grumbling- on- Sea, I’m finding out what ordinary voters REALLY think.’ BREXPENSE ACCOUNT: Money advanced to a Brexplainer (see Brexplainer) by a party or pressure group for the purpose of banging on about Brexit on local radio phone-ins day and night, at home and abroad. Anyone in a pub or on a street-corner who is approached by a camera crew for his or her opinion on the latest developments in the complex EU wi thdrawal negotiations. ‘At the end of the day it’s a total disgrace and I’m not having any of it and I don’t care what anyone says.’ ‘ Thank you, and now back to the studio.’ BREXPIRE: To die of boredom while watching, participating in, or hosting BBC Question Time. BREXPLAINER: Someone who understands everything about Brexit apart from the other person’s point of view. ‘I can see you haven’t the first idea about world trade. So allow me to Brexplain...’ BREXPLETIVE: Oath or swearword issued after 2 hours 26 minutes spent debating the pros and cons of the World Trade Organisation. BREXTERMINATE! BREXTERMINATE!: Command issued by members of the Dalek community during heated discussions about Britain’s position in Europe. BREXTRAMARITAL SEX: Interruption to conjugal relations when a new opinion on Brexit suddenly enters the head of one or both partners. BREXTRACTOR FAN: Device designed to remove any lingering odours of heated and re-heated opinions from a hall, chamber or studio. ‘What with Esther McVey, Owen Jones and Rod Liddle on the panel, the TV studio was reaching boiling point, so we had to switch on the Brextractor fan.’