Going loco with top tips from Yoko . . .
AND OTHER PITHY CELEBRITY ADVICE
After all these years, we can at last be grateful to Yoko Ono. Back in 1964, she published her first book, Grapefruit. It was full of top tips such as ‘Hammer a nail in the centre of a piece of glass. Send each fragment to an arbitary address.’
there was only one thing wrong : most of these tips seemed to guarantee unhappiness, eg: ‘Build a house that serves only to make way for the rain.’
But she has steadfastly refused to let this deter her. Half a century on, advice continues to pour from her in an unstoppable flow, although over time dottiness has given way to banality.
So far this year, her tweeted tips have included: ‘ Keep your mind empty so important ideas come through’ and ‘Sometimes it’s nice to be a needle in a haystack rather than not existing at all’.
But then last friday she made the mistake of tweeting: ‘Give some advice that will make our lives heal and shine’.
this gave rise to some irreverent responses, a number of which were reprinted in yesterday’s paper.
‘Don’t split up the Beatles when they still have a few more albums in them’, was one of my favourites. Others were ‘Don’t take laxatives if you have a tickly cough’ and ‘Don’t give up on your dreams. Stay asleep.’
And this is why we should be grateful to Yoko: without her airyfairy request, none of these fine jokes would have been cracked.
She is an example of one of life’s paradoxes: it is only the most clueless people who are eager to hand out advice.
I have a shelf in my library devoted to books of advice. Most of them are filed under D for ‘Duh!’, since their authors never shy away from stating the obvious.
for instance, in Pippa Middleton’s Celebrate! comes this tip for gift wrapping: ‘Don’t forget to remove the price tag from the gift’. Once you have done that, ‘Place the present on the paper to gauge how much you will need, then cut to length.’
And for those who like looking at the stars at night, Pippa suggests: ‘ Star gazing is best in pitch darkness on a very clear night.’
America is, of course, the home of the celebrity advice industry. five years ago, Arianna Huffington published thrive, full of suggestions for ‘Creating a Happier Life’. top among them was: ‘If you love to paint, paint.’ But I also liked: ‘ We need to take time to wonder at the world around us.’ She also quoted a ‘ mindfulness teacher’, who advises: ‘ At the traffic crossing, instead of being impatient for the green man, appreciate how the red man gives us a chance to stop, breathe and look around.’ Ivanka trump, Donald’s daughter, published a book of tips for a successful career, though she forgot to mention step one: work for your billionaire father. ‘One of the best ways to master communication? Ask questions and listen well,’ she advised. And, for those who might not have thought of it for themselves: ‘ A way to foster your curiosity is to talk to people.’ even our own dear Mary Berry followed the Path of Ono in last year’s Mary’s Household tips & tricks, subtitled, Your Guide to Happiness In the Home. ‘Cotton, sponge or microfibre cloths are handy for mopping up spills and wiping down surfaces,’ she suggests. And she advises placing reading lamps ‘ beside chairs and at the end of sofas . . . if you are fond of reading.’ And to those who are thinking of placing a big sofa in a small room, she comes up with this advice: ‘the scale of the sofa compared to the room you want to sit in is something to think about.’
JOKES are the best way to counteract this barrage of banality. the only book of advice worth consulting is Viz magazine’s top tips:
‘Shoes last twice as long if only worn every other day.’
‘rappers: Avoid having to say: “Know what I’m saying” all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.’
‘ Dog owners: Stop your pet drooling whenever you fry bacon by placing an odour-eater under each rasher as it cooks.’
‘Banging two pistachio nut shells together gives the impression a very small horse is approaching.’
Oh dear! If only Yoko Ono had had this book to hand when she was a young woman, she need never have bothered.