The brutal truths I’ve learnt from 100 dates

Over the past five years I’ve been on more than 100 dates. I’ve dated all types — the good, the bad, the beautiful and the totally bonkers.

Divorced and now 64, I’ve fallen in and out of love, and been dumped, bumped, ghosted and roasted by every sort of woman you can imagine. the good news is, I’m still sane (I think!). the bad news is I’m also still single.

So what kind of dating expert am I? Knowledgeable? Not really. experienced? Yes. Honest? Absolutely. I can’t promise to reveal the trick to finding your soulmate for one simple reason: after a 100 dates I’ve discovered there isn’t one.

But that doesn’t mean you don’t need to make an effort. It’s easy to fall into a lazy, anti-dating state of mind that says: why bother having a drink with that person? I can stay home with a box set! Stay home and you stay alone.

If you’re looking for love, you need to tear up the dating rule book and write your own. Hopefully, what I’ve learned will inspire you to do just that.

Don’t worry about your age!

WHeN I was young, I’d worry there would come a day when I would be too old (anything passed 50) for hot dates, cold martinis and crazy sex on the ceiling. But I was wrong (oK, the ceiling days are over.) one of the great impediments to dating and romance is age anxiety. If you’re over 50, don’t worry about being too old for this or too old for that. It’s a waste of time.

older female friends of mine complain that once you are over 50 you become the ‘invisible woman’. It’s not true. You’re only invisible to shallow men, who aren’t worth dating.

So when a man asks you your age, don’t act coy: say it loud and proud. that kind of confidence is attractive. this goes for men, too. there’s nothing sadder than a middle-aged man who imagines he can fool women into thinking he’s younger than he is with pictures taken a decade ago or heavy-handed dying of the hair.

‘It’s so hard to date’

Stop telling yourself that! It’s just an excuse not to make the effort. Meeting a potential partner has never been easier. there are more than seven million singletons over the age of 50 in Britain and numerous dating sites.

personally, I’ve always preferred meeting people at parties or cultural events. the hard bit is being brave enough to ask them out on a date. Middle-aged men suddenly become tongue-tied teens when asking a woman out. Be bold. And, if you can’t be bold, pretend you are!

the same is true for women. I know women think they have to wait for the man to ask them out, but why? on the rare occasion a woman has asked me, I’ve always said yes on principle. Go on, ask him out! the worst that can happen is he says no. (Actually, that’s not true. the worst that can happen is you acquire an admirer who is a ferocious bore who sends disgusting pictures of himself to you at midnight!)

When dating, you have to keep an open mind. It’s easy to get stuck in a ‘this-is-my-type’ rut and only date people of a certain social group or profession.

In the past few years I’ve asked out the woman who runs my local charity shop, a lesbian novelist, the solicitor who did my probate and the doctor who checked my prostate. I even dated my former dentist. We had sex, but it was only a temporary filling! (And, yes, she loved that joke!)

My point is, it’s good to get out of your social comfort zone. I have only one dating prohibition: young women — anyone under 50. Never trust a man who dates really young women. that’s more about looking good to other men than liking the woman for who she is.

As for women dating younger men, I guess the odd fling is fine as long as they’re not too young.

Failure is a friend

oK, So now you are starting to date. the first few encounters are fine, but not worth pursuing. then you meet someone you like. You think they like you. You have a few more dates and you decide they’re the one.

Suddenly, they stop calling and don’t reply to your texts. You’ve been dumped — or ‘ghosted’, as they say. ouch! that hurts! It happens. And it will again.

But if you keep dating, there comes a point when rejection doesn’t hurt any more. And if you’re honest, it’s not your heart that’s broken, but your ego that’s bruised. Just keep going. Dating is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.

Make an effort

WoMeN are better at this than men. British men have no idea about good grooming.

I see these men at single party events all the time: they have nose hair down to their knees, crazy Denis Healey eyebrows and they’re wearing a cheap, ill-fitting suit — and these are men with plenty of money!

they just can’t be bothered to make an effort to look good. And then they leave the event on their own and wonder what’s wrong with those women!

The art of talking

oK, You’re on your first date. What do you talk about and, more importantly, what do you avoid? Conventional dating wisdom says you should never talk politics. But they’re wrong. Your political values are a part of who you are and what you believe. If they can’t handle your position on Brexit, tough.

Another forbidden topic is moaning about former partners — it’s called Baggage Bonding. I disagree. Hearing about other people’s romantic disasters makes you feel better about your own. It’s also a good way to find out what sort of person you might be getting involved with.

remember, the dating world is full of narcissists, selfish and insensitive creeps, and at some point you will be sitting opposite one and thinking: my, what a charming and intelligent man/ woman you are! Dater beware.

Watch for the small signs that tell you big truths about your date. Do they ask questions about your life and opinions? I once dated a woman who, after talking about herself for most of the evening, said to me: ‘oK, that’s enough about me. Let me ask you, what do you think of me?!’

Does your date laugh at your jokes? Are they ever funny? Do they keep checking their phone? Do they take themselves very seriously? Are they rude to the waiter? A yes to any of these is an instant deal breaker.

Sex after 50

HoW long should you wait before sex? If you wonder if you should wait, then you should; you will know when the time is right.

Are you dreading getting naked before a new lover? We all do. American writer Diane Mapes once wrote: ‘Dating in your 50s isn’t bad. It’s getting naked that is brutal.’ I used to think that, too. then a wise woman told me: it’s not the shape of your body that makes you attractive — it’s the confidence with which you carry it that counts.

Sexy is a state of mind. So no more worrying about your wobbly bits. that’s life. that’s you. And if someone doesn’t like it, show them the door.

Don’t lose faith

I MuSt confess, I’m still waiting to learn many of these lessons. But then, we’re all good at giving other people advice. A hundred dates later I have lost a lot of illusions about what you have to do to find love — but I still believe that, if I keep looking, with a bit of luck, I will find it. till then, I will lighten up, have a laugh and keep on dating.