Diary extracts that will make you chuckle

These hilarious diarised extracts from Adam’s book give a snapshot of what it’s like working on the wards with Britain’s finest, starting with a retired heating engineer who thought he was a German professor.

18 AUGUST 2004

PATIENT OM is a 72-year-old retired heating engineer from Stoke-on-Trent. But tonight he’s going to be an eccentric German professor with ze unconvinzing agzent. Not just tonight, in fact, but this morning, this afternoon

and every day of his admission; thanks to his dementia, exacerbated by a urinary tract infection. Prof OM’s favourite routine is to follow behind the ward round, his hospital gown on back-to-front, like a white coat (plus or minus underwear) and chip in with ‘Yes!’, ‘Zat is correct!’ and the occasional ‘Genius!’ whenever a doctor says something. On my solo rounds, I let him tag along for a bit. I don’t particularly know what I’m doing and I don’t have vast depths of confidence even when I do, so it’s actually quite helpful to have a superannuated German cheerleader behind me shouting out, ‘Zat is brilliant!’ every so often.

MARCH 15, 2007

I ASK a patient in antenatal clinic how many weeks she is now. There’s a long pause. Cogs turn. A camera slowly pans across a wasteland. Maths isn’t everyone’s strong point but I’m after the number between six and 40 that people must constantly ask her. Finally: ‘In total?’ Yes, in total. ‘God, I couldn’t even tell you in months …’ Has she got amnesia? Is she a clone of another woman currently being held prisoner in an evil sci-fi villain’s lair? I start to ask when her last period was and she interrupts. ‘Well, I’m 32 in June, so that’s got to be more than a thousand weeks …’ Christ.

MAY 2, 2007

I FINISH consenting a couple for Caesarean section. ‘Any questions at all?’ I ask the room. ‘Yes,’ chips in their six-year-old. ‘Do you think Jesus was black?’

DECEMBER 29, 2008

SEEING a patient in gynae clinic whose GP recently started her on HRT patches and now has some bleeding. I ask her how long she’s been on the HRT and she lifts up her blouse and counts the patches. ‘Six … seven … eight weeks.’ Her GP hadn’t explained that she has to take the old ones off.

This is Going To hurt: secret Diaries Of A Junior Doctor by Adam Kay is published by Picador at £8.99. Go toadamkay.co.uk for information about Adam’s tour.