Remember, you did nothing wrong!

STEPH SAYS:

This is one of the hardest letters i’ve had to read and, firstly, i’d like to say thank you for writing to us — i hope that our advice will be of comfort to you and, at least, make you realise that you’re not on your own.

i can see that you feel like you’re at the end of your tether and emotionally full. it must be utterly soul- destroying to discover that your husband is having an affair. i can’t begin to understand your heartbreak.

While i admire people who try to piece things back together after infidelity, it is such a betrayal that i imagine i’d feel, as you do, utterly destroyed.

But one thing i have learnt in my life is this — the important thing to do, when you’re at your lowest point, is to find the strength to build yourself back up. The first thing you must do is remind yourself that you have done nothing wrong. You say you feel like a failure, but i believe you are anything but!

You are not responsible for the situation you now find yourself in. Your husband had an affair — not you! in your longer letter you say you feel like a fool for trusting him; well, i disagree with you here.

You weren’t foolish to trust your husband — he betrayed your trust, yes, and he was wrong to do that — but without trust in a marriage there’s nothing.

At the moment you’re obviously feeling vulnerable, so let me remind you that you are resilient and powerful. You held a responsible position in your former career — you couldn’t have done it and helped all the people you did if you weren’t a strong, independent woman!

Now is the time to find that woman again — she’s still in there, she’s always been there — but i’m afraid your husband seems to have subdued her over the years.

The best way to remind you of who you really are is to tap in to your network of friends and family. having led a relatively comfortable lifestyle, it may be that you don’t want the mask of your ‘charmed’ life to slip.

i would certainly understand if you’ve kept your relationship problems to yourself — if only to try to protect your children, and to a degree yourself.

But if that is the case, now is the time to rid yourself of that burden and confide in your friends and family. You need some emotional support and there is no shame in asking for help. Ever!

i don’t think it would hurt to open up to your GP, too. There is a huge amount of support out there for you if you have the knowledge and courage to ask.

You must remember that you have the emotional resources, strength and resilience to get through this. You just need a nudge to remember who you are and who you always have been!

For confidential support, call the Samaritans on 116 123 or visit a Samaritans branch. See samaritans.org for details.