My ex was a liar and a cheat, so why do I miss him?

DEAR BEL, I’M WRITING because I know you had a very long first marriage and think you will understand and help. I met my husband David when I was 19 and he was 29.

After a failed short marriage he wanted to marry me.

I felt too young and wanted to travel, so we moved in together, but I spent three months in Canada working and travelling. On my return, I found David had been seeing someone else. He gave her up, said he loved me and I stayed.

Eventually, we had two lovely daughters and a son, and David and I seemed equally devoted to our family. It was hard work, but fun — and so time passed.

When I retired at 62 I was using my husband’s computer (I hadn’t got round to buying my own at that point) and I found a mysterious email. I don’t have to tell you the rest: he’d started a relationship with another woman — the very one he was seeing all those years ago when I was away.

They re-met through Facebook. I don’t need to tell you how I felt.

After two years, I asked him to leave. She had kept in contact with him during that time and her husband (25 years older) had died.

David moved out of our house, but wouldn’t say where he was. Our older daughter asked him if he was with this woman and he said no. But late one night I went down to where she lived and his van was there.

You will understand the pain, anger and disappointment this has caused me and our family (we have five beautiful grandchildren aged from seven to 13).

The year after David left, my father died, then a year later my darling Ma died — and David didn’t contact any of us. Another huge hurt.

Now, five years later, I have a wonderful, kind, loving new man — a childless widower who loves my family.

We get on very well and love doing lots of things together.

David and I did things separately. I am going to sound really pathetic now — I still miss him.

My lover is kindness personified and I know I’m lucky. But all the time I feel there is something missing. I want to share all the family things I do with David.

Please can you tell me if this feeling of pain and loss will go?

Do you ever still miss your ex-husband?

I don’t know any friends who have divorced, so I am at a loss to know if this is normal. PAT

For many reasons your email touched me deeply, so I decided to feature it because this situation is more common than one might suppose.

The first example that springs to mind is when someone bereaved after a long relationship meets a new person they feel they can love — but finds it hard to deal with deep-seated guilt.

Missing yet loving at the same time . . . over the years I have had many letters on that subject.

But strangely hankering after a partner who hurt you deeply — not so much. Many readers will think it strange — especially when you have been lucky enough to meet a charming new man with no ‘baggage’. I can almost hear them rebuke you.

Yet I completely understand. And you ask me a direct personal question, which I will answer honestly, while preserving some privacy.

Do I ever miss my ex-husband? No — not now. But be assured I certainly did. our marriage effectively ended in 2003. When we had only been apart as long as you and David then, yes, I did mourn it and miss him. often very much.

Later, when the grandchildren came along, I felt wistful for that lost dream of a family home, with dogs, cats, horses, sheep and children. When I come across a lovely book he bought me years ago, with warm words written in his familiar scrawl, I can still feel a little pang in my heart. old photos can still make me sad.

But not now. These days, happily married again, I have never felt so contented — and that’s why I beg you to be patient. This is a message for everybody who thinks they should hustle their emotions along before they are ready.

You must realise you have to walk slowly through each day, giving it your full attention, and allowing your feelings to shift and change — as successive seasons change the landscape around us.

Things must unfold. If you bottle up your emotions to rush onwards, you will never be healed.

Your ex-husband hurt you deeply and was extremely callous not to contact you when your parents died. These were his in- laws; common decency should have made him care — and contact you and your children with condolences.

That he failed to do so is (strangely) almost as big a sin in my eyes as his infidelity. It’s vital for you to be honest about the past and not start to view it through rosy specs.

Yet I know that old love is not a candle that can be snuffed out. It can flare at the strangest times.

My wonderful second husband used to respond to my moments of wistfulness with: ‘Why wouldn’t you feel that way — after all those years married?’ You must be guided by his gentle, graceful wisdom.

As long as we can avoid bitterness, we carry the past with us, enlarged by our memories.

You and your first husband will always remain connected because of your children and grandchildren, but your new partner will be playing a more hands-on, grandfatherly role.

So be it. Accept what is — and be happy.