You’ve betrayed his trust in you

DOM SAYS:

OH dear. You may not like what i have to say, but there is simply no sugar-coating this one.

You have been very dishonest — of that, i’m afraid there is no doubt. You have cheated your poor husband out of his right to decide whether he would like another child.

Worse: you knew he didn’t want another child — because he told you, repeatedly — and you have wilfully disregarded this and gone ahead.

i also have two siblings, and while i didn’t feel a need to replicate that with three children myself, i understand how you might want to. i also sympathise with your desire for another baby — but this in no way justifies your actions.

You’re a grown woman in your 40s, not an immature girl and you should’ve known better.

Not only have you put your husband’s trust in you at risk, but you have also inflicted a huge change upon your lives.

Your youngest child is seven — you are well out of the nappy years, and it’s reasonable to assume that in a decade or so, you and your husband would have entered a new phase in your relationship where you have more time for each other.

Well, not any more! By getting pregnant you have postponed the time at which all your children will have flown the nest and you get to come back together as a couple.

and while the newborn and toddler years are wonderful, they are not necessarily so attractive once we’re older.

and yet i do wonder whether he will be quite as furious as you think. Had he truly wanted to put the possibility of another child beyond him, might he not have had a vasectomy? The fact that he did not means that perhaps he was leaving the door ajar just a little for this, even sub-consciously.

The money issue is tricky, however. You say that when you brought this up in the past he refused because you couldn’t afford it. You have unilaterally decided to put both yourself and your husband under financial strain, which really does strike me as incredibly unfair.

What is very clear to me is that you must now be totally honest: if you want him to forgive you for jeopardising his trust, you have to show him that you’re being completely truthful now.

Confess all, and then give him time to come to terms with it. When the dust has settled, i think he’ll forgive you. it’s hard to stay cross with someone when a new baby is on the way — but i hope and trust, for your family’s sake, he will join you in a joyful anticipation of the future.