Ask yourself why you lied to him

STEPH SAYS:

I am sorry to say your letter has made me quite cross. and i am sorry to say i feel you have been deeply duplicitous.

Your husband has clearly said ‘no’ to having another child — and you have deliberately ignored his feelings and ploughed on regardless.

To my mind, this is one of the worst things a woman can do. While i understand your yearning for another child, this has never been the correct thing to do — and it never will be.

at the same time, i do find myself questioning your husband’s apparent blanket ban on a third child, as the size of your family isn’t up to him alone, but neither is it up to you alone.

i do feel that in a marriage partnership, these decisions are discussed, and the conclusions arrived at together. at least that is how it should be!

Your husband has always known you hoped for a large family, so he must therefore be aware how hurtful his decision is to you and so will be expecting you to react. However, this is not how i feel you should have responded! But there’s no getting away from it, this is a big lie and a fundamental betrayal of your husband’s trust in you.

One question i feel you must now ask yourself is why you would jeopardise everything you have built with your husband for another child?

While feeling jealous about a friend’s pregnancy is perhaps understandable, getting pregnant against your husband’s wishes is not.

i would ask myself what this third child is going to change and why your need is so great. What is missing that you have to have another baby?

i do understand that the yearning for a final child can be quite overwhelming. as we come to the end of our fertile years, women can be struck with a desperation for another baby, underpinned by a feeling of deep insecurity.

Hanging up your ovaries is a pivotal time for all women, and it can result in worrying that our husbands will no longer desire us, and that we stop being as needed as we were when we were being a mum. Such fears can be unbearable.

i understand that, at 43, you probably thought it unlikely you would fall pregnant so easily, but you still went ahead. Yet, it would be foolish to say nothing good could come of this, for you may as a result find the truth of your relationship, and therefore build a stronger future together.

i wish you a healthy pregnancy, and that perhaps, in the end, you will both learn that huge life decisions of this kind must always be made together.