Our Father Who art in Brussels
THE Church of England is planning to hold five days of prayer to mark Britain’s departure from the EU.
Does the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, know something we don’t? The way things look right now, we’re not going anywhere.
Anti- democratic, hardline Remainers are moving Heaven and Earth to stop even a weak-as-dishwater Withdrawal Agreement getting through the Commons.
They are determined to prevent us leaving, no matter what. Some of them think they can kill Brexit stone dead, even without a second referendum.
Just as well the Archbishop is on the case. We might need divine intervention if we’re ever going to get out of Europe in one piece.
Still, it got me wondering just what form a special Brexit service might take.
Welby himself is a committed Remainer, who said recently that a no-deal Brexit would be not only a ‘political and practical failure, but a moral one’.
Will he be able to maintain the necessary neutrality to bring both sides of our bitterly divided society together? Let’s find out by crossing over live to Westminster Abbey, where the Archbishop is about to address his congregation. Here’s the order of service. EARLY beloved, we are gathered here together to celebrate/ mourn ( please delete as appropriate) Britain’s exit from the European Union.
This has been a painful process and our thoughts go out to the bereaved, who still haven’t come to terms with the fact that they lost fair and square.
We should also take a moment to console all those 17.4 million Leave voters who thought their prayers had finally been answered, only to discover that they have been cruelly betrayed.
Let us pray . . . our father, who art in Brussels, Juncker be thy name Thy kingdom runs Thy will be done In London as it is in Strasbourg. Give us this day A customs union And forgive us our referendum As we will never forgive those who
voted against us. And lead us not out of the
backstop But deliver us from Ukip For the EU is the kingdom The power and the gravy train For ever and ever Amen.
May The Lord be with you. We shall now sing Hymn No 94, All Things Bright And Beautiful, which has been updated by the General Synod to accommodate all shades of opinion in the hope that we can reconcile ourselves to whatever fate has in store for us. All things bright and beautiful And free movement for all All things wise and wonderful The EU made them all. Each tow’ring butter mountain Each lake of sparkling wine Each rule and regulation And gleaming wind turbine. All things bright and beautiful And free movement for all All things wise and wonderful The EU made them all. They gave us straight bananas And lots of different cheese And mass youth
unemployment In Italy and Greece. All things bright and beautiful And free movement for all They even helped the Germans Bring down the Berlin wall. They gave us open borders And everlasting peace And another million migrants From across the Middle East. All things bright and beautiful And free movement for all All things wise and wonderful The EU made them all. They took away our fish stocks And gave them all to Spain Yet still we want a
People’s Vote So we can choose Remain. All things bright and beautiful And free movement for all what’s the EU ever done
for us? Frankly, bugger all.
At this juncture, I had planned to ask the verger, Mr Umunna, to read some relevant passages from the Book Of Common Fisheries, adapted from St Peter’s original Latin version. But I am informed that he has decided to leave our congregation to join a new independent church, along with several members of the choir, including our lady soprano Mrs Soubry, who sadly has suffered a fit of the vapours.
Unfortunately, we are not able to offer Holy Communion today. It would appear that Mr Farage’s prayer group drank all the wine.
So please join me in a moment of silent reflection and don’t forget to give generously when the collection plate comes round. We are hoping to raise somewhere in the region of £39 billion to facilitate a smooth Brexit.
And may the Lord have mercy on your souls.