The new bantam Brummie has piled on the gravitas
Labour’s Tom Watson cuts a reduced figure these days. Weight-wise, that is. a brush with diabetes forced Parliament’s most seasoned trencherman to shed seven stone the old-fashioned way – eating less, exercising more and giving last orders down the Westminster arms a wide swerve.
In terms of gravitas, however, the newly bantam brummie MP has been piling it on.
Gone are the days of the chuckle-cheeked brownite bruiser launching spittle-flecked rants across the chamber, jabbing his finger as though trying to lance a hornet.
When Mr Watson speaks now, it is in hushed, reverend tones. Long. Pauses. between. sentences. as any weary am- dram director will tell you, this is the first step to sounding like you have something to say.
It speaks volumes of the Labour Party – mired by anti-semitism and racism, wedded to the bygone dogma of nationalisation and redistributive socialism – that centreleaning Mr Watson is now seen as its acceptable face.
a genteel voice of reason among the shouty Corbynite loons.
as reinventions go, it’s like watching bazooka-breasted model Jordan rejigged as a swan-necked blue stocking.
Mr Watson delivered a speech yesterday addressing the perils of online gambling. The venue: a sweltering cubby hole in the Institute for Public Policy research think-tank’s starchy offices on the Embankment. Lithe little Tommy barely broke a sweat.
The Deputy Leader of the opposition had arrived all warm smiles and self-deprecative charm. Perched on his hooter was a pair of quirky arthur askey-style tortoiseshells.
His message to his audience was succinct. The 2005 Gaming act is in urgent need of reform. britain has a £5 billion-a-year gambling industry which is predominantly online, yet the word ‘internet’ appears in our gambling laws twice. ‘Email’ once. ‘social media’ not at all.
In short, it’s about as up-to-date as Jacob rees-Mogg’s casual weekend wardrobe.
Horror stories galore followed. a man who was stealing £60,000 to feed his online habit.
a young boy with brain damage who had lost £210,000.
at no point did Mr Watson attempt to embarrass the Government, or deliver the ‘bloooody Tories’ diatribes we might once have expected. Instead, we had a genuine call for cross-party co-operation.
He demanded a ‘new Gambling act for a new digital age’, a respectful rehash of that old stanley baldwin soundbite about ‘a new Parliament for a new age’. Gordon brown’s exhenchman quoting dusty Tory old Harrovian baldwin! I could almost hear his old boss’s molars grinding all the way up from Queensferry.
as for the journalists in attendance, you may recall not so long ago, Mr Watson was pushing for Politburo-style curbs on Press freedom. some of us, he would happily have seen shut down. Yesterday, we all got the first-name treatment.
There was a playful joke about his passion for video games, which he insisted he played only in times of crisis. ‘so I’ve been playing rather a lot recently,’ he joshed, a reference to Labour’s woes.
When he was done, he received a warm pat on the back from Lord Chadlington, who is keen to outlaw gambling adverts.
Yup, that’s right. Mr Watson and savile row- suited Lord C, spiffy clubland habitue and long-term Tory donor. Chummy as church mice, they were. as lunch beckoned, I wouldn’t have been too surprised if they repaired to White’s gentleman’s club together for pink gins.
AfTEr witnessing this impressive, but ever- soslightly unnerving, Watson charm offensive, I could have used one myself.
In the Commons, meanwhile, likeable brexit secretary stephen barclay and his Labour opponent Keir starmer were at it hammer and tongs. This is the brexit b-team if you will.
The phrase ‘ two bald men grappling over a comb’ sprung to mind.
up in the Gods with us hacks sat a visiting Japanese contingent wearing headphones. an interpreter was clearly relaying the debate to them.
Judging by their guppy-eyed stares around the chamber, their translator may just as well have been speaking in Eskimo as much sense it was making.
all I can say is our oriental guests were in very good company.