Can I stay in touch with my son’s ex?

AT CHRISTMAS, our son (24) wasn’t his usual self. His girlfriend of five years had gone to her parents, too.

He returned to London for New Year, but I didn’t hear from him as usual at midnight. Then I saw on social media he and his girlfriend were at different parties.

He finally said they’d broken up before Christmas and he was moving out of their shared London flat.

Absolute shock. I’d dreamed of their marriage, grandchildren … and feel I’ve lost a daughter.

He says I mustn’t contact her on social media. I cry at the thought they’re no longer a couple.

My husband told me I need to stay out of it, but I’m finding it difficult. I wish my son would talk; he’s evasive, but I know he’s hurting.

When I mention her, he clams up. I want to physically comfort him, but don’t think it the right course.

I opened my heart to her and never expected to feel so sad.

Will I allow myself to become so close to any future girlfriend?

JOSIE

You have no idea how much I identify with your situation. When my son was that age we went through the same upset — he was about to marry the lovely girl I’d learned to love. It was a horrible time. If you like the partner a beloved offspring has chosen, you can’t help but open your heart as well as your home.

I cried a lot, too — here in my office there is a battered little cushion she made him 20 years ago.

These are early days for you. Mothers long to protect and comfort their children, but if they withdraw for a while there’s nothing to be done. Just give the reassurance you’re there.

It’s not reasonable to forbid you to contact his ex-girlfriend, but to do so on social media would be a mistake. You should pick up proper paper and envelope and tell her (in the civilised, old-fashioned way) how sad you feel and how you will always hold her in a corner of your heart. That’s between you and her and not your son’s business.

We can’t help dreaming about our children’s futures, but we can’t create scripts for their lives.

This will pass, he will find another partner, gradually you will stop thinking of what might have been and focus on what is.

That’s how life works — and we must allow it.

Today, my son is married to the most fantastic, loving, capable, sparky and kind woman, whom I adore — and they have two sons.

Just you wait.