Is it quicker by train or sedan chair?
CHRIS GRAYLING, SECRETARY OF STATE FOR TRANSPORT, ANSWERS YOUR TRAVEL QUERIES
DEAR CHRIS, I have been trying to figure out the best way to get from A to B. Advice, please! Mary, Carshalton.
CHRIS SAYS: I remain confident in my belief that the best way from A to B is via M, taking a short cut through V before going back on yourself and going all the way through R, Q and P to J.
Once you’re safely at J, if you still want to get to B then the best thing to do is to take decisive action by setting up an inquiry. This will ensure that you arrive at your proposed destination in no more than five years.
DEAR CHRIS, I recently won a goldfish at a coconut shy. He was in a plastic bag full of water. How would you recommend transporting him home? Stephen (8), Runcorn.
CHRIS SAYS: No problem, Stephen! Three easy steps. First, drink the water, taking care to leave the goldfish behind.
Second, buy a single train ticket for your goldfish. If he’s under the age of 15, he can obtain a discount of up to 50 per cent if he travels off peak. Third, remove him from his plastic bag and place him in his pre-booked seat — only valid tickets apply.
DEAR CHRIS, I just followed your advice, and my goldfish was pronounced dead on arrival. All I have left is an empty plastic bag. What went wrong? Are you to blame?
Stephen (8), Runcorn.
CHRIS SAYS: While it is clearly disappointing that the goldfish in question is no longer swimming, I am delighted that together we have secured an independent future for your plastic bag.
DEAR CHRIS, Along with the rest of my family, I am planning a trip to France in April. Will Brexit affect my plans? Maggie, Sevenoaks.
CHRIS SAYS: The scaremongers are, as usual, wrong. I remain supremely confident that anyone planning to swim to the continent after the end of this month, will be able to do so, currents permitting.
DEAR CHRIS, What’s the best way to buy a standard class ticket from London to Edinburgh? Tony, Wimbledon.
CHRIS SAYS: Luckily, I am something of an expert in these matters, Tony! What I always do is to invest £2 billion of public money in the line, just to ensure nothing can go wrong. I have no doubt whatsoever that the best way to invest your £2 bn is to lay it all over the track and wait for a strong wind. Following this bold and decisive move, cancel your original plan and go by car, petrol permitting.
DEAR CHRIS, Any plans to improve public transport in Birmingham? At the moment, it’s ever so congested. Jill, Sutton Coldfield.
CHRIS SAYS: Last week, Jill, I was proud to unveil a major new scheme to revolutionise public transport in and around Birmingham City Centre.
Sedan-4-U was a multi-millionpound scheme to ensure the smooth running of our public transport system. It was great news for private individuals and industry alike, introducing the transport of the future — the sedan chair — into the very heart of the great city of Birmingham. Normally, each sedan chair would be carried by two fully- licensed sedan operators, whose job was to carry the paying customer to the destination of his or her choice.
However, prevailing economic conditions mean that savings must be found. For this reason, I am proud to announce our exciting new Sedan-Not-4-U scheme, under which passengers are asked to provide their own chairs, and to move them under their own steam.
This bold new variation on our original plan ensures that running costs are slashed, the local environment receives a vital boost, and huge savings are made to the public purse!
DEAR CHRIS, I am a schoolboy of seven, nearly eight. Unlike Seaborne Freight, I own my own boat, which I sail in my bath. Furthermore, it often gets to the other side of the bath without sinking. On this basis, I am applying for the No-Deal Brexit ferry contract. Please send me £13 million asap! Sam, Ramsgate.
CHRIS SAYS: Great tender, Sam! Decisive progress is being made towards a smooth Brexit! Here’s the money!