SUSANNAH CONSTANTINE’S NEW COLUMN STARTS TODAY
(Clue: wear two bras at once!)
FEARLESS, frank and funny, SUSANNAH CONSTANTINE — TV presenter, author, wife and mum to two teenage daughters and a son — starts a new monthly column in Femail today. She will fly the flag for older women, sharing her life lessons on how to embrace middle age with gusto — not to mention a sense of humour.
LET’s talk boobs and how they make us feel. I was once secretly thrilled to hold melons not fried eggs — like Trinny Woodall — to hide my chest for an advert, but not now.
In the days of our BBC show What Not To Wear, she was the ‘thin, elegant’ one and I, the ‘sexy’ one.
Dressing was easy. All I had to o do was show my boobs off to elongate nnd a slightly stunted neck and make my small head look in proportion. porrfect In short, I owned the perfect pair; an easy to handle C cup. Well, ll, not any more!
since my eldest Joe was born 20 0 years ago, I have gone up to a gargantuan antuan 34G. so today it would be a lie to say I love my boobs. I hate them.
There isn’t one redeeming thing about being a middle-aged woman with a bosom like buoyancy aids. The clearest sign that I am 56 is not the lines on my face but my middle-aged boob spread.
It is a real struggle trying to find clothes to fit and bras to tame, and let’s not even mention beach holidays.
For those who yearn for bigger boobs, me whining about wanting smaller ones must seem ridiculous. It’s easy to believe a larger pair will instantly make you sexy. But that’s not how big boobs make many women feel. Feeling good about yourself is all about acceptance.
But I have not reached any level of acceptance and feel continuously frustrated to be saddled by two things that weigh more than 6.5lb each. Without them I’d be nearly a stone lighter.
Even when I lost a lot of weight a year ago, the fat fell from everywhere but my breasts. When I look in the mirror, they take up the whole reflection and next to my husband sten I could be the woman who gave birth to him. (sten has the physique of an 18-year-old athlete.)
What was something I used to be proud of now places me alongside comic Les Dawson’s busty matron Ada. All I need is a flowery overall and a hairnet. My boobs are officially obese! There is safety in numbers, however. I have dressed hundreds of older women with big boobs and most feel exactly as I do.
Us busty ladies think our chest defines us and that breeds low self- esteem not least as it is so hard to dress. Anything flowing makes us look pregnant. Tailored clothing that suits us is costly, and elusive on the High street.
Much of my wardrobe is unwearable as nothing fits my top half. Clothes with stretch solve the frontal-fit issue but I don’t want my back fat being defined by clinging fabric.
shirts and blouses are good, but if they nip in the waist they pull across the bosom as the bloody buttons are in the wrong place. I get around this by using a safety pin to close any gaps.
Think about physical features that define a woman’s age — a discernible waist, and boobs that don’t slap your knees. At least tailored jackets and dresses that glide over rather than hug the contours, solve the waist issue.
And, now, I never wear anything cut too low. There is nothing sadder than a middle- aged woman trying her best to look provocative. The trouble is, if you own big boobs, you can be misconstrued as mutton desperately clinging on to her sexuality. Well, haters, you try to get the balance right without looking like a cougar or dowager duchess.
For me it is still a work in progress. I want to dress age appropriately but not look an old frump.
We want to be relevant. We want to be good role models for the younger generation and signal that life isn’t over at 50. We want to feel body positive, despite our lumps and bumps.
A collar bone-grazing neckline seems the perfect compromise between crepey cleavage and wearing a habit. Jeans and trousers are a godsend, especially those by Me + Em.
Decide if it’s your top or bottom that can take tighter pieces but don’t do both. Often, I will wear looser-fitting clothes under a figure-hugging coat or jacket. I have yet to find the answer to full- on glam but will keep you posted on my progress. Of course, none of this matters if the upholstery isn’t holding things up. Despite years of research and advice from bra-fitters and manufacturers, I haven’t found a single bra that is able to minimise my biggest bodily insecurity. If you have a large bust, bras are weapons of torture. They suppress the rib cage and restrict breathing, cut into shoulders and squidge back flesh into sausage rolls. The brassiere hasn’t had a design overhaul since its beginnings over a century ago, even though six in ten of us are no longer a healthy weight and the average dress size is now a 16.
It’s still sized by cup and back size but it needn’t be so complicated and is simply a ruse to keep us buying multiple sizes. How about straightforward small, medium and large with a flexible fabric that moulds to your size?
Our breasts continuously evolve over our lifetimes so can someone somewhere re-design the bra for our 21st century bodies — or I will have to do it myself.
A close friend with a vast cup handicap, had a boob reduction, something I have considered.
Meanwhile, I suggest my twobra technique, where you wear one bra over the top of the other. Mine are a moulded simone Perele T-shirt bra underneath an underwired minimiser from Triumph. It reduces volume and makes those melons rock hard — it’s like having implants without the surgery.
As for men, they don’t mind what size our boobs are. They like them any which way — as long as they are real.