Hell of cutting off our nightmare son
DEAR BEL, WHEN is it time to step away and cut ties with an errant adult son?
It’s something my husband, daughter, mother and I have had to do recently.
We’ve had more than ten years of hell, with awful things to deal with: police involvement, prison, suicide attempts, unlawful behaviour, debt issues.
We have always tried to help, but now, a year on from a formal fallout, we have decided enough is enough.
We have had to involve the police to ask him to stay away from all of us.
He was harassing us for what we suspect is money issues, turning up at his elderly gran’s at 10pm and making her afraid and now we find out he’s been formally admitted to a local mental health hospital after being evicted from wherever he lives.
At almost 26 he doesn’t seem able to turn his life around, dragging us down with his problems and, for our own sanity, we’ve asked for no contact.
I know it’s the right thing, but I still feel like a horrible person. Do you think there other families out there in a similar position? ELAINE
THe American novelist, F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote: ‘ Family quarrels are bitter things. They’re not like aches or wounds; they’re more like splits in the skin that won’t heal because there is not enough material.’
Certainly, I have always found them very hard to deal with. Over the years I’ve received many letters on this theme — always heartbreaking.
For a parent to be driven to the stage when they see no alternative other than to lock the door on a once-beloved child . . . well, as a mother I can think of few things worse.
Sadly, many families suffer terrible conflict and break-ups, although most of the links I found are for adult children estranged from their parents. They discuss ways those offspring can make steps to forgive their parents, rather than the other way around.
In other words, we hear a lot about abusive parents, but not so much about abusive children. Those who have not been through it have no idea of the depths of shame and pain and self-questioning that can be caused by a son (or daughter) like yours, so you have my deep sympathy.
Had you been in touch as this dire situation unfolded I might have suggested family counselling, but it’s clear the die is now cast: you have decided ‘ No more.’ And who can blame you? I am sure you have all sat around the kitchen table talking about how he became like he is, agonising, sharing anger and bewilderment, and reaching no conclusions. Sometimes a family can look back and find explanations for bad behaviour; sometimes not.
Although it does us all good to examine how things happen, it seems too late. This son has pushed you all too far. You are left with a terrible guilt which must be addressed. Is a mother’s self-reproach worse than any other kind? I think so. ‘Where did I go wrong?’ is a cry that echoes down the years. It might be useful to seek help (try Relate or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy).
You may find yourself pitying your son for the mental health problems which undoubtedly contributed to his behaviour. Your ‘tough love’ stemmed from a need to protect the family (especially your mother) from his behaviour, yet the situation may evolve.
Therefore, you need to be ready for shifts in his state of mind and/or in your feelings towards him. Life is fluid. You may not feel this way for ever, therefore it is vital to reach a level of acceptance: understanding why you have estranged yourself from him, yet knowing that, were he to change, you might welcome him back in a heartbeat.