Imagine if he gave you a nose trimmer!

STEPH SAYS:

When I first read your letter I thought of my own dear ever-soslightly frayed- around- theedges husband and then I thought, is this an early April Fools trick?

After being reassured by my colleagues at the paper that it was not, I collected my thoughts.

Being candid, the extent to which this bothers you surprises me. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but in the grand scheme of things, this does seem a little, well, petty. That said, it’s clearly an area of concern for you and I think we need to work out why.

This seems to be quite deeprooted. You have gone into some detail about your own beauty regime and it’s clear personal grooming is important to you.

But I wonder if you are putting too much emphasis on outward appearances. Getting your nails done every Saturday and refusing to go out without make-up suggests you’re insecure about your own looks.

I wonder why you’re putting so much pressure on yourself — and, in turn, on your husband? Is it a social thing? Are you concerned you’re being judged for having a scruffy husband? Is this what is at the heart of your letter: embarrassment?

If this is the case, I would strongly advise a re-think of your priorities.

You and your husband are the only ones that matter; the opinion of others is of no consequence. You are clearly happy with your relationship except for this issue. Do you really want to risk that happiness over a haircut and bad jeans? Finding fault with him like this could be corrosive. It is time you worked out what your priorities are.

But more than that, I think you should try to understand why he has become so unkempt.

It is often the case that when people start to take less care of themselves, it can be an early sign of depression. have you noticed any other changes in him or his behaviour? Be gentle when addressing this with him.

has he let himself go because he’s feeling bad, or just because he doesn’t think it’s important? There’s a big difference.

Go back over the past year or so and think about any incidents that could have given him a bit of a knock, then talk to him!

hinting at the issue by giving him surprise presents could be construed as passive-aggressive and may well result in completely the wrong reaction. It may even make things worse. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot and he presented you with a nose-trimmer.

Tread carefully, and remember, this is the man you love.