Don’t tell me you love me . . . just do the ironing!

Marriage guru GARY CHAPMAN says the secret to a lasting union is to learn your partner’s ‘love language’. But how clued-up are YOU? Take the quiz that could save your relationship

EveR noticed those couples in a restaurant who sit opposite each other not speaking from soup to pudding? Is it even possible that you’re one of them? Or perhaps, when you do speak, too often it feels as though you and your spouse are talking at cross-purposes, failing to communicate or even making each other actively unhappy. maybe you find it impossible to express your love in a way that he understands — and vice versa. So, instead, you stop trying and end up, well, silent.

If all this sounds grimly familiar, a very modern form of help is at hand. What you need, claims a top relationship expert, is a fitness tracker for your marriage — a downloadable app that sits on your phone, measures the health of your relationship and offers daily suggestions to improve it.

Instead of nudging you to do more steps, it will tell you to give your partner a long hug or make them breakfast in bed. Instead of pinging you reminders to go to the gym, it will suggest you play footsie, or, rather ironically, ‘spend time together without phones’.

Fitness goals are replaced by love goals: co- ordinate lunch breaks, tell them you’re proud of them, book a date night, ‘do the worst chore’ and so on. It will even remind you to ‘ make eye contact while talking’.

The brainchild of relationship guru Gary Chapman, Love Nudge was launched in January with a basic premise from his classic self-help book of the Nineties, The Five Love Languages, The Secret To Love That Lasts, which sat at the top of global best-seller lists for almost a decade.

Chapman describes how each of us has a primary ‘love language’ that almost never coincides with that of our spouse — which is why so often we miscommunicate.

Once the infatuation of new love is over, he says, the key to a lasting marriage is to work out which of the five languages our partner most relates to — Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service or Physical Touch.

By becoming fluent in each other’s ‘love language’, we can start communicating our love in new and meaningful ways, and rejuvenate even the stalest of relationships.

Now he’s gone digital. Using a quiz on the app, you can work out which language you and your spouse speak and adjust settings to suggest daily acts of devotion that will translate perfectly. each completed nudge fills up your partner’s ‘love tank’ and thereby strengthens your relationship. Or that’s the claim ...

So how do you know which of the five languages is yours?

Take our test to find out. Remember, say Chapman, we all have a primary love language, but also a secondary and tertiary one.

We can even be bilingual in how we understand what it is to be loved. but ‘ one language does have a slight edge for most people,’ he says — and you’ll definitely know it when your spouse starts talking it.

tenderly spoken word of support. You never tire of hearing the words ‘I love you’.

To feel secure, you need your partner to tell you regularly how much they appreciate what you do and who you are — and it feels even better when they tell you in front of other people.

You thrive on words of encouragement and feel more wounded than most by unfair criticism. A kind tone of voice is especially important to you.

If this is your spouse’s language, set a goal to give your partner a different compliment each day for one month. If ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away’, maybe a compliment a day will keep the marriage counsellor away. occasionally email or text a note of affirmation during the day, or when one of you is travelling.

Thank your spouse for something they do routinely and wouldn’t expect to be complimented for.

B: Quality time

IT Isn’T enough just to be in the same room as someone. If this is your language, you want the undivided attention of your partner, even if it’s just for 20 minutes a day.

You don’t have to gaze into their eyes, but you do want them to focus on you, regularly, without their mobile phone in their hand or a box set playing on the TV.

For you, love is being listened to and understood. It’s sharing an activity and making memories. It’s being able to spend time together and then walk away feeling ‘my partner cares about me, was willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and did it with a positive attitude’.

If this is your spouse’s language, ask your spouse for a list of five activities they would enjoy doing with you. Don’t assume you know what they are.

Make plans to do one of them each month for the next five months. If they pick an activity that isn’t your thing — football, say, or a quiz night at the local pub — go with an open mind and give it your best effort. That’s an act of love.

C: Receiving gifts

IF this is your language, you’re a firm believer in the power of visible symbols of love. A wedding ring is one such symbol, but any gift can hold similar sentiment. It says that your partner thought of you long and carefully enough to find the perfect thing and give it to you as an expression of their love.

It doesn’t have to cost money. In fact, the best gifts are often home- made or found — a specially curated list of all your favourite songs, for example, or a beautiful polished stone from the beach.

If this is your language, you don’t believe in waiting for special occasions. To you the spirit of giving lies at the heart of love and almost anything can be a symbol of it, even a flower from the garden.

If this is your spouse’s language, keep a gift idea notebook. Then, every time you hear your spouse say, ‘I really like that’, write it down. Listen carefully and you’ll have quite a list to serve as a guide. or enrol in an arts or crafts class (ceramics, for example, or painting or wood carving) for the express purpose of making your spouse a gift.

The best gift of all? If your spouse is going through an especially hard time — perhaps they’re caring for an elderly relative or dealing with a big problem at work — offer them the gift of your presence.

Being there at a time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if this is your partner’s primary love language.

D: Acts of service

Your love language finds its expression in domestic chores — and to you, that’s just as meaningful and thoughtful as any other kind.

You want your partner to show how much they love you by doing some of the myriad things that make life easier for you both: cooking a meal, emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, picking up a prescription, sorting the car insurance, mowing the lawn, playing a game with the children while you watch your favourite TV programme.

For you, love is about equality of responsibility. You both do these small things because you want to help and support each other. That, for you, is the essence of a loving marriage.

If this is your spouse’s language, ask them to make a list of the ten things he or she would like you to do during the next month. Ask them to prioritise those by numbering them 1-10, and use it to plan your strategy for a month of love.

Consider serving someone your spouse loves, too: an older relative, or a favourite cause.

E: Physical touch

For you, it’s all about hugging and cuddling; the kiss as you leave for work, the back rub when you come home. Your love is expressed in an especially physical way.

Love touches can be explicit and demand your full attention, such as a massage or sexual foreplay, or they can be implicit and require only a moment, like putting a hand on a shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee or rubbing your body against his as you pass in the kitchen.

You love both kinds. For you, the worst kind of argument ends in physical withdrawal.

If this is your spouse’s primary love language, as you walk from the car to go shopping, reach out and hold your spouse’s hand.

When family or friends are visiting, touch your spouse in their presence. A hug, putting your arm around him as you stand talking, or simply placing your hand on his shoulder can earn double emotional points. It says: ‘Even with all these people in our house, I still see you.’

This abbreviated quiz is based on the bestselling book The Five Love Languages® by Dr Gary Chapman (©2015. Northfield Publishing. All Rights Reserved). The full quiz is online at 5love languages.com, or available on the all new Love Nudge for Couples mobile app.