YOUR HILARIOUS OLDIE MOMENTS
Esther’s joyously irreverent take on ageing spurred readers to share their own witty little signs that you’re heading over the hill!
When, a few weeks ago, I wrote in Femail about the odd signs of ageing that have taken me by surprise — fat earlobes, for one — I never expected it to strike such a chord.
But readers who still feel young at heart wrote to me with funny advice, surprising symptoms and stories that the young would do well to learn from.
Meanwhile, friends and acquaintances stopped me in the street to share their own additions to my list and remark on how strange the passing of the years can be.
So what if we can remember a time when chips were eaten out of newspaper, nappies were made from terry-towelling and fastened with safetypins, and ‘dishwashers’ were husbands? That doesn’t mean we are past it — far from it.
And yet the language used about us is so often condescending, from ‘wrinklies’ to ‘oldies’. If you have to label us, why not call us Perennials, as research agency Ipsos Mori does in a new report on the future of ageing.
‘Like their namesake in nature, the over-50s are hardy, with the ability to withstand changes to their environment; they adapt, evolve, and grow anew,’ says chief executive Ben Page (who describes himself as ‘aged 54 and looking forwards not backwards’).
‘ The over- 50s are not slowing down but taking on new challenges, roles and responsibilities. They’re not withdrawing from life, but demanding more from it.’
And that’s reflected in the report’s finding that over-50s in the UK are the top spenders in travel, food, clothing and eating out.
We’re not fading away — we’re boldly going where our grandmothers never went before.
So here are your brilliant observations. Altogether now, you know you’re old when . . .
YOU’RE PATRONISED BY SHOP STAFF
jess writes that you know you’re old when the checkout staff start speaking to you in patronising tones, saying ‘ Look after yourself’, when what they mean is: ‘Hope you make it out of the store without having a heart attack.’
Jess used to leave the shops feeling years older than when she went in. Then she realised she had to get in there first.
‘As you unload your purchases, fix the assistant with a concerned expression and ask: “How are you feeling today?” ’ Jess advises. ‘And as you hand over the change, say solicitously: “Take care of yourself.” It works a treat!’
Another reader offers a similar tactic. ‘The next person who says “Bless you” when I have simply thanked them, will be at risk of getting a bunch of fives, although I do find my usual response of “And bless you too” never, ever goes down well.’
I have noticed that when you’re over 60, nobody ever says you look good. Instead, they say with some astonishment: ‘ Hello, esther, you look well!’ What do they expect?
That just because you’ve matured you should look pale, fragile and about to pass away? Why don’t we make a resolution to say to our fellow seniors when we meet: ‘Hello, you look fabulous!’ It’s a tonic to say, and certainly a tonic to hear.
EATING WELL IS THE NEW SEX
I TOTALLY agree with reader Margaret, who writes to point out that eating has become the only hot and steamy thing in our lives — with the added advantage that we can do it alone.
And a reader named Dana is in the same boat, saying: ‘I am a divorcee and living alone, but I seem to be endlessly preoccupied with food, more than when I had my family living with me.’
However, don’t you agree that modern food fads are extraordinary? Who invented wraps when they taste like face flannels?
YOU DEVELOP NEW ALLERGIES
Margaret, who tells me she writes a blog on Facebook, goes on to say that nowadays her nose does more running than Mo Farah and Zola Budd put together, something I can very much identify with.
What causes this constant drip at the end of one’s nose? Is it an allergy? If so, what has provoked it? As the years go by, new allergies seem to creep up on us. And some are particularly annoying.
For some reason I am now allergic to champagne. Nobody warned me that was even possible, and I am furious about it.
YOU’VE A FONDNESS FOR NATIONALISED INDUSTRY
. . .Which you did not feel at the time! one reader, rose, tells me that when the engineer was fitting a new Sky TV she told him: ‘I must get the gPo [that’s general Post office for my millennial readers] to take my old phone out’ — and he said: ‘Bloody hell love, how old are you?’
I know how she feels, I cannot get used to British gas supplying my electricity, and I still blame my train delays on British rail.
GARDENING IS ALMOST TOO EXCITING
WHI Le the young make disparaging jokes about compost heaps, for us seniors gardening has become a thrill.
Judy from Scotland hits the narcissus on the head when she says: ‘We love everything to do with gardens — we hold people up smelling blooms in hedgerows, we bend bits of branch to look at the buds.
‘We all love Monty Don, and vie with one another as to whose dog is most like his pooch Nigel.’
So true, Judy. My current obsessions are: will my seeds germinate? And will the slugs get the delphiniums?
YOU THINK IN OLD MONEY
Please don’t ask us how many kilos make an ounce, or how many kilometres are in a mile.
Many of you wrote in bemoaning metric, and it is frightening to see how prices have shot up when you calculate what it really means.
Do you realise that 25p was once five shillings? I only know how hot it is when it gets into the 90s, as talk of 32 degrees sounds cool to me. I’m sure we’d take global warming more seriously if it was in Fahrenheit.