Will my husband ever again be the man I fell for?

DEAR BEL,

I’M in my early 50s and married with one child. Our marriage was happy at first, but my husband and I each lost a parent and we were made redundant.

His remaining parent is an alcoholic and we were dealing with threats of suicide and police at the door at all hours.

Fortunately, I managed to get work — then had a very difficult pregnancy, a complicated birth and ongoing poor health. Though my husband wasn’t working, I always got up in the night with the baby as he said he ‘needs his sleep’.

I dragged myself to work, often in great pain. I became depressed and contemplated killing myself and my child — because I didn’t want to leave the baby with him as he was.

When I realised how bad things were getting, I went to my GP for help. My husband is still oblivious as to how I felt.

With only my salary for us to live on, I set a weekly budget — then found money disappearing from my purse. I confronted my husband, who said he took the cash to save it.

When our child started school, this gave him time to look for work, yet he had only two interviews in five years. Still ill, I’d drag myself to work for the money.

He’s moody, denigrating and angry. I know he has no confidence after 15 years of being unemployed, but he finds reasons not to apply for jobs I point out to him.

He says he loves me but never shows it. I don’t feel respected or valued. He puts himself first, then our child. I gave him control of the weekly budget for food, petrol, etc, but he tells me he’s run out of money before the weekend and has started stealing from my purse again.

I can’t talk to him — uncertain how he’ll react. I won’t confide in family because they’ll take sides. I still love him — but that doesn’t mean I respect him.

I’m taking the long view. When my child finishes education, hopefully I’ll be able to afford a divorce or to live separate lives at the same address.

There is also the chance that once he gets a job he’ll become the man I fell in love with. Am I taking the right road? ELAYNE

My hope is that writing this email (the original is much more detailed) helped you clarify issues in your mind.

As today’s ‘ thought for the week’ from the philosopher Alain de Botton says ( and countless readers have assured me), the very act of setting a problem down can be therapeutic.

here is an exercise for you. have you ever thought how your husband would frame his own problems in words? This needs you to look beyond the man who is making you so angry and ask yourself why he is as he is.

What would he say to me? he might talk about utter demoralisation after redundancy and a failure to find work, a feeling of being useless to his family and society, about the despair of having a remaining parent who is a chronic alcoholic.

What else? he might confess that he takes cash from his own wife’s purse to gain a small feeling of control over the wife he feels despises him.

he might say he feels ashamed because he reckons she is ashamed of him. I’m guessing here — but do you think some of

that might be correct? You describe at length a level of neglect by your husband that once left you feeling suicidal and, indeed, infanticidal — until you went to your GP for help.

I suspect you were suffering from post-natal depression and that neither of you had ‘processed’ the double whammy of bereavement and redundancy, and that your relationship became crushed in the ensuing scrabble to keep heads about water.

But you seem to be averse still to discussing these matters, either with your husband or your family. This must leave you feeling extremely lonely as well as angry.

Did you ever discuss personal matters with your husband? You say he was ‘oblivious; to your dangerous suffering and still doesn’t know what you were going through.

It sounds as if you have always tip- toed around your marital discontents, allowing resentment to grow. I think you should examine why that is.

Obviously, I wish you could find a way to start having frank conversations with the man you married and with whom you were once happy.

I realise this will be very difficult, given the habit of silence you have fallen into, but what choice do you have?

The atmosphere at home must be pretty bad, since you are both quite hostile, and surely this will affect your child, still at school and with exams and life choices to face?

That alone should make you realise you have to act. I believe that just as you went to your GP years ago and got help, you need to do the same thing now.

Only you can determine whether you should at least try to save your marriage — and in my opinion you should. It sounds as if deep down you want to.

Suffering in silence and focusing on separation later certainly does not seem a positive way to proceed. Your husband tells you he loves you and you say you love him — which surely means this sad marriage has a little life left in it.

Can you bear to try some first aid? I feel your frustration and his equally — which is why you need short-term help.

Why not start by consulting Relate ( relate. org. uk) on your own.

People make the mistake of thinking you have to go as a couple, but the website will show you a way to get help on your own, perhaps as a precursor to going as a pair.

Think about this carefully, because I believe it would be right (even for the sake of your child) for you to work out with a professional how to proceed.