Should my love leave her partner for me?

DEAR BEL, I’M 26 and I’ve not long had a job in London, which is so far going well. But for the past eight months I’ve been in a relationship with a girl (R), who is ‘spoken for’, as it were.

The other issue lies in the fact that she has a three-month-old son with her partner. There is further history to this as well.

Myself and R were sleeping together 18 months ago while she was still with her partner. I broke it off and was less than kind about it (something I’ve regretted ever since).

Not long after, she fell pregnant with her partner’s baby, which hurt me a lot, but after some time, we began seeing each other again.

We soon realised we were in love with each other — and have fallen more and more for each other as time has gone on.

I adore her son and love spending time with them both. She wants to leave her partner but is finding it difficult. I want her to leave him and be with me.

Obviously, she has to think about what is best for her child, but if she is unhappy with her partner, surely the best thing is for her and her son to be with me?

I’m not the biological father, but we would be in a loving relationship. Surely, if her and her partner are fighting already (this was the case before I came on the scene) then staying with her partner seems ludicrous.

Or am I in the wrong here? Should I walk away? Because I will give everything I have for R and her son. I will provide for them. I want to spend the rest of my life with them.

I have not put any pressure on R to leave her partner, as I thought it best a decision that she should make. We talk about a life together and having another baby. I know that’s what she wants, but is it realistic? SIMON

TheRe will be many readers who will judge that both you and R have behaved irresponsibly, but you will not be the first twenty-somethings to find themselves in a very messy relationship.

Are you in the wrong? In some ways, yes. The trouble is, everything changes when there is a child involved.

I am pretty conventional on this issue, I’m afraid. I happen to think that too many people these days create babies without that sense of commitment that accompanies making vows and think too little of the real emotional security children need. Old fashioned yes — I told you.

You say the couple are always fighting, but I have to take that with a small pinch of salt, since it sounds as if your guilt is seeking justification.

You also admit that you dumped this girl in a pretty bad way, which

you are not proud of. Does she trust you now? For that matter, do you trust her?

Both of you have bad history: she cheated on her partner and you treated her badly. To be honest, it’s not the best start to a life together, especially as you will always have the wronged partner in your lives.

he would have every right to have access to his own child — and I do not think that women have the right blithely to deprive blameless fathers of their own children.

Despite all my reservations, I’m tending to believe your professions of love. Would you marry R? That would seem to be something positive to offer her — if you really are serious.

You are absolutely right not to put pressure on her, but you might suggest it would do her good to have some time alone to think things through.

If you ‘walked away’ for a month, say, it would show you are serious.

I just hope you all work it out.