My lover’s 5-year-old son just won’t stop telling fibs

DEAR BEL

I HAVE been with my partner for seven months. I’m 27 and he is 32. We are very happy and I think our relationship is quite serious. We have spoken about marriage and will be moving in together within the next year. But . . . he has a five-yearold son from a previous relationship who tells lies that cause trouble.

He has made up several lies about my partner — one being that he hit him. I was there at the time, as was my partner’s brother. It never happened. Every time the child makes up such fibs and tells his mum, she goes mad and accuses my partner of all sorts.

My partner usually calls his son’s bluff, then the child admits he’s lying so his mum ends up having to back down.

Tonight my partner was asking about his school day, but the child was reluctant to tell him. Then he said his mother had told him not to tell his dad what he’d done at school. Annoyed, my partner was ready to confront her.

I said perhaps the boy was lying, as this wouldn’t be the first time — also why would my partner’s former wife tell their son he couldn’t say what he did in school?

I suggested he ask his son if it was all true — and that he’d ring his mum and ask. Then the child admitted to lying.

Separately — my partner’s ex is now in a new relationship with a man who has been accused of hitting his children (common assault).

Social services have been involved, but have said they don’t think my stepson is at risk living with them. We don’t know whether to believe if he is guilty or not, as his ex-wife might be bitter and have made up the allegations. Who knows?

Anyway, my partner’s ex has enough going on without things being made up by her child.

Really, we aren’t sure how best to tackle the lying. We are also worried about the situation with his stepdad. The boy has made up so many lies that if something ever was to happen, people might not believe him.

I’m also worried about how all of this will affect our relationship. I know it might be selfish to think like this. What if he made accusations against me?

When we started dating I knew my partner had a son, but didn’t realise what a devious little sod he was and the problems he would cause. I don’t know what advice to give to my partner. SAMANTHA

When I came to the end of this upsetting email I had to walk away for a while, so angry did I feel. To understand why, I ask you to re-read the last but one sentence of your letter.

There you are, actually using a short, abusive term for a poor five-year-old caught between warring adults and accused of being ‘devious’.

Devious! This child is trying to survive, desperately seeking attention, almost certainly longing for love and stability and failing to find it — yet all you can do is call him names.

You are 27 and ‘ think’ your relationship ‘quite serious.’ Were you actually the reason your boyfriend left his wife? Since you’ve only been together seven months and aren’t even living together it’s premature to call his child your ‘stepson.’

To be honest, since you seem to have so little sympathy, a part of me is thinking it might be better if that were never to happen.

Oh, I know it can be very hard to forge a relationship with a partner’s children. But you are only seeing this little boy as a nuisance and a threat, which does not augur well for the

future. Will you imagine this child’s life? His parents have split — and we can envisage the shouting and tears and rage that led up to that parting — so he is shunted about and faced with Dad’s new girlfriend, who is clearly irritated by him.

Are you both honest with him? Children pick up on emotions, you know, so if you both fake pleasure in his visits, he will know.

Meanwhile, Mum is now sleeping with a new man (not a stepdad, please) who is alleged to have hit his own children. In other words, we have another broken family — this one where the children are allegedly physical victims. It’s a story for our times, isn’t it?

You must know it is an accepted fact that the psychological effects of separation and divorce can mark children for the rest of their lives.

With shameful frequency, they are used as pawns in a horrible war between selfish parents — and the longer I do this job, the less tolerance I have for such behaviour in ‘adults’ who ought to know better. You say you don’t know what advice to give your boyfriend — and I must give you the benefit of the doubt and take this as a sincere wish.

I suggest you stop thinking of yourself and tell him that his little boy’s problems must be taken very seriously.

The more you think of him as bad (liars are bad), the worse his behaviour will become.

Your boyfriend should have a proper talk with his ex so that they are on the same page, making a pact to stop this pattern of accusation and counter-accusation. If necessary, he should seek a meeting with the child’s teacher to ascertain whether his son has shown any disturbed behaviour/ lack of truthfulness in class.

Most of all, he must keep a close eye on what goes on in the home he left, now that there is another bloke on the scene who could ill treat ( mentally or physically) his son.

You could also ask yourself how you would feel if your boyfriend gained custody.

If you couldn’t bear that, you should walk away now.