I’m ashamed of my husband’s secret

DEAR BEL

I AM in total shock after finding out last year that my husband of 25 years is actually bisexual.

He has been secretly visiting gay saunas and having unprotected sex with strangers.

He says he is not gay, but bisexual, and that he hasn’t been having sex with other women. I don’t believe him.

He is a sex addict who craves danger. So he’s put my life at risk over the years by having unprotected sex with me — coming home after spending the afternoon having sex with men of all ages.

I am struggling to cope with the fact he was doing this for years, not caring that he might have given me an STD. He has shown no remorse and seems happy it’s out in the open. Now I am having to keep it a secret for fear of local people finding out. So his dirty, shameful secret is now my dirty, shameful secret.

I have only ever had one partner and have been completely true to him, yet now it’s like I’ve had sex with all these men, too, and I feel dirty inside and out.

My GP has offered no advice and I don’t know where to turn. I’m heartbroken this cold, disgusting man betrayed me in such an awful way. I am completely destroyed. What shall I do? BRENDA

Your story is truly hideous and I have no doubt that thousands of people (of both sexes) will share your horror and sympathise with you. Who would not? Your unedited letter fully conveys your sense of being polluted by the very idea of him having sex with other people.

It would have been interesting to know how you found out — whether somebody told or if he made a full confession. If the latter, I suspect it might be another, very sadistic way of exercising control: telling you to make you suffer and revelling that his double life is ‘out on the open’. Like you, I find this disgusting.

Either way, I am rather astonished that you don’t know what to do.

Before I explain why, let me say I had an email from a reader, Mrs A. criticising my even-handed tone: ‘You have a tendency to play devil’s advocate, and not empathise with some of the distressing situations that people are experiencing. I am sorry if I sound critical, but I just wonder if you have come across Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and if you have any idea of the utter pain and despair that goes with being in a relationship with someone with this condition?’

I think this is fair comment. The trouble is, it’s usually inadvisable for somebody like me to jump to a diagnosis on the basis of one letter. As some readers often point out, too: ‘You are getting one side of every issue’. Believe me, I know.

But in your case, Brenda, I have no problem at all. Your shock is understandable, and it’s not that surprising that even now you feel bewildered. If you are (like Mrs A) living with somebody with a personality disorder, it can be extremely hard to escape. But surely not impossible?

You have already been to your doctor for help (to no avail), but surely the fact that you sought help was the first step towards breaking free.

I have no doubt that you should end this marriage. You should take control, make an appointment to see a solicitor, seek a judicial separation and tell your husband what you are doing. He has shown you no respect — let alone love.