Tell his lover he’s cheated on her, too

STEPH SAYS:

I have to say I read this and my blood ran cold. It breaks my heart that we get so many letters from women — and men — in midlife who suddenly find the rug pulled out from under them by affairs.

It almost seems like there’s an epidemic of faithlessness. Us fiftysomethings do tend to need reminding that we’re still attractive, but I wish that people could manage to do that without breaking their marriage vows!

I feel terribly sorry that you were blindsided by the news of your husband’s affair. It must have been a dreadful shock, and I have no doubt that the intervening months will have been ghastly. So, for you to have come through that and then find yourself in this situation is, well, disappointing.

Because while you may well be feeling a little giddy right now, the temporary rush of excitement does nothing to erase the original betrayal. I believe what you’re feeling — as real as you might believe it to be — is simply a reaction to the pain and hurt you have endured.

here’s the thing, I’m sure that when he left, you felt utterly rejected that he had chosen to be with someone else. But now, it seems he’s picked you again.

have you thought that it might be that, subconsciously at least, you are now in competition with the new girlfriend? Could a small, wounded part of you be feeling better, more ‘worthy’ now he’s rejected her for you?

I’m sorry I sound a bit harsh, but I think it’s important you examine your feelings honestly. It seems to me that it’s the situation that’s confusing, not the man. he is exactly the same as he always was.

In fact, if you needed proof that he won’t change, you have it. Let’s face it: he didn’t just cheat on you — now he has cheated on the other woman too!

Resist the temptation to go back for another ego boost. You are not falling back in love with him, you are simply feeling better about yourself because he picked you again!

affairs never end well, even with your soon- to- be exhusband — especially with your soon-to-be ex-husband.

In choosing to have an affair he was deceitful and despicable, and he hurt you deeply.

You should continue to act honourably, despite his appalling behaviour.

I think honesty is the best policy. end the deceit and tell his girlfriend what has transpired with your husband, and confirm to her that this particular leopard has not changed his spots.

She deserves to know — and you deserve some closure.