Perhaps this means it’s not the end

DOM SAYS:

What a terribly awkward situation you find yourself in.

affairs are, by their very nature, devastating, not least because they stir up a hornet’s nest of feelings. these things are rarely black and white.

and I understand that, right now, you’re dealing with a mishmash of emotions: love, hate, despair, inadequacy, anger, disappointment, fear . . . it’s a potent cocktail!

So the first thing I think you should do is cut yourself some slack and give yourself space and time to reflect. this is probably all a little overwhelming.

having read your letter several times, one thing keeps jumping out at me. You say you feel more attracted to him than you had in a long time.

Your relationship had cooled; perhaps you had stopped noticing each other. It seems you had certainly stopped noticing him.

Perhaps your husband had been feeling the same thing.

Of course, he reacted in absolutely the wrong way. there’s never any justification for infidelity. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to understand the circumstances that led to his betrayal if there’s a chance things can be fixed.

Maybe it was the wine that saw you end up in bed that night, but whatever the reason, you began to notice each other once again in a way you no longer thought was possible.

What you thought was lost might actually have just been hidden. Which means you might, just might, be able to get it back.

the only way to do that is to talk. honestly and in detail. Go back over your marriage and look for the clues as to what went wrong. talk about it together, even if it’s difficult to do so. and try not to blame each other.

Let’s be honest, it’s not easy to stay with the same person for ever. how do you make love to the same person for your whole life? the answer is with effort!

It takes effort to maintain a marriage and it’s easy for everyday life to intervene and lead us to forget about our spouse — and ourself.

You need to ask yourself what you really feel about him.

and most importantly you need to ask yourself if you would have split up if it hadn’t been for the affair. If the answer is no, then, well, you have more thinking to do.

I believe that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. and if you don’t feel that — which you clearly don’t — then I suspect the end might not be in sight.