I still love the man who betrayed me

IN 1967 I married and we had one daughter. We worked hard, saved for a home, did it up and moved to a better house.

He started working late and I became suspicious so rang him at work. His office was closed. He was having an affair with his secretary and left to live with her. Our home was sold and I lived in a rented house with our daughter. When I applied for maintenance he was penny-pinching.

I remarried and my new husband was a marvellous stepfather. My ex never visited his daughter and she was only invited to stay with him, his new wife and two children twice.

Then all contact ceased. When she gained a place at university he told me: ‘You needn’t think I am going to pay anything.’

He didn’t — but turned up at her graduation with his wife. Our daughter married a year later, he did contribute but I had no contact with him after that.

In 2011 I heard he and his wife were separating. He got in touch with our daughter asking her to get me to call him. ‘In his dreams’, I said. Then my husband died suddenly in February 2015. My ex rang me and we met for a drink.

Gradually I fell back in love with him and he said he loved me. Now we see each other every weekend and go on holidays. He is also in touch with our daughter (married with two children) and we all spend time together.

My problem is this: my ex, his wife, their two children and grandchildren live within ten miles of each other. She has a male friend but doesn’t want a divorce because she would lose his pension if he died. He and his wife have meals together sometimes either alone or with their children and two grandchildren. I find it hurtful and feel resentful.

On the other hand he was incredibly caring when I had cancer and made a 50-mile round trip to visit every day. It’s complicated. If I did not have the company of my ex I would be very lonely and I care for him. I see no way out of this and would love your response. SHIRLEY

Your uncut email gave great detail about early struggles to better yourselves and create a good life for your child — in a tone wistful and proud.

Your first husband and you shared so much, but he betrayed that hard-working, aspirational history and neglected your daughter and his financial responsibility because he was so taken up with his new wife and children. That’s about it, isn’t it?

Now you’ve fallen in love with him once again, yet feel betrayed.

The crux seems to be that you are forced into the sad, and ( perhaps) rather undignified position of still feeling jealous of the woman who broke up your marriage. Having been made a victim once (because of her affair with your husband) you are now resentful of the hold she has over him. Even though they don’t live together and she has a bloke, her hooks are into him — as you might view the situation.

There’s a lot about money here too (edited for space). You say their children were privately educated and now she has a new, big house and car and goes on ‘nice holidays’. You have two pensions (one your late husband’s) but always ‘pay your way’ when you and your ex go on holiday.

So what’s the real problem? Do you want him to divorce her and marry you again? I suspect it’s true. Yet you go into so much detail about his meanness in the past that I’m wondering whether you would always hold that against him. What’s more, even if he did insist on a divorce, his exwife, children and grandchildren would still always be in his life.

The situation is emotionally complicated, but in another way simple. Instead of being a lonely widow you enjoy the company of the man you married in 1967, who took care of you when you had cancer, and who now (presumably) enjoys being reunited with you and his adult daughter.

You are about to go on a cruise together. How lovely! You could have many happy years together, forgiving ( but clearly not forgetting) the past, and enjoying mutual solace as you age.

or you could nurture your feelings of hurt and resentment and risk spoiling what you have. Honestly, I’d be careful.