A Cabinet of all the talents? Call Mary Berry

THE latest wizard wheeze for breaking the Brexit deadlock is the formation of a new government of national unity. Supporters of the idea include former PM John Major and Labour’s Nonce Finder General Tom Watson. Major said on Sunday that a cross-party Cabinet may be needed ‘in the national interest’ to avoid an unprecedented constitutional and political crisis. Oh, yes. It would be the first time such a government had been brought into existence since World War II. Back then, Labour and the Tories joined forces to fight Hitler.

Some people might find the suggestion superficially attractive. But there is one, glaring, fundamental difference between 1940 and the present day.

During the war, Rodney, Britain faced an existential threat from a foreign aggressor. Bombs were raining down on our cities and we were staring military defeat in the face. Today, the crisis we face is self-inflicted. Or, rather, inflicted upon us by the very same people now offering to form a government of national unity.

The only reason we have a constitutional impasse is because the political class have declared war on the British people.

If they’d respected the instruction given to them by a clear majority of voters in a referendum which Parliament overwhelmingly supported, there wouldn’t be any crisis. Instead, they have moved heaven and earth to defy democracy and overturn the result.

The idea that Tommy Watson now says he is willing to serve alongside Tories is hilarious. He’s spent the past few years smearing the Conservatives as a party of evil child molesters.

Same goes for Pixie Balls-Cooper, who harbours a visceral hatred for Conservatives, yet has also indicated her readiness to accept a senior position in such a government. Maybe they both think that with Labour in the grip of the Corbynistas, it would be their last chance of holding high office.

OTHER prominent supporters of the plan include fanatical Remainers such as Tory Nicky Morgan and the ubiquitous Soubry Loo.

When such politicians speak of forming a government of national unity, however, what they actually mean is a government of People Like Them. Their real aim is to stop Brexit from ever happening.

Funny how all the names being touted to form a Cabinet ‘ in the national interest’ appear to have been drawn from the Remain camp. No one seems to be suggesting it should, for instance, include Nigel Farage, despite the fact that he speaks for millions of disenfranchised people who voted Leave.

And once Parliament had stitched up a cosy consensus of like-minded ministers from across all parties, where would the Opposition come from? It wouldn’t be cross- party, it would be a one- party state — the Remain Party.

The only way a government of national unity could work is if politicians weren’t allowed within a mile of it. They have proved beyond reasonable doubt that they are genetically incapable of bringing the nation together.

So who could heal our divisions? If we were to create what used to be called a Government Of All The Talents, who would be in it?

Obviously the Queen wouldn’t want anything to do with this fiasco, so Helen Mirren could stand in for Her Maj as head of state, although these days Olivia Colman is first choice for The Crown. If we wanted to skip a generation, there’s Claire Foy.

Safer to install Mary Berry, I’d have thought, alongside David Attenborough as Father of the Nation. Prue Leith would be a popular choice to take over as PM with Nadiya, the 2015 Bake Off winner, as Foreign Secretary.

At the Treasury, we’d need someone who knows how to run a business. Maybe David Jason, in his Still Open All Hours role, would fit the bill, proving that Britain is still a nation of shopkeepers.

He certainly couldn’t do much worse than Spread Fear Phil. And if we were looking for more diversity, we could draft in Navid, of Harrid’s Convenience Store in the BBC Scotland sitcom Still Game. Plenty of candidates for the Home Office, too. Keeley Hawes, from Bodyguard, or Line Of Duty’s Adrian Dunbar, .

Judi Dench would take control of national security and Idris Elba would finally don the mantle of James Bond, and be sent to Brussels with a Licence To Kill.

Jamie Oliver is a shoo-in for Minister of Food. And we’d have to find something for Ant and Dec, David Walliams and that Killing Eve and Fleabag woman who seems to have become a National Treasure overnight.

The Ministry of Defence would go to Joanna Lumley, after her sterling work in support of the Gurkhas. And, obviously, Dawn French would become Archbishop of Canterbury. That’s assuming Michael Palin wasn’t available.

Department of Culture? A toss up between Lenny Henry and Alan Bennett, although I’d be inclined to go for Wilko Johnson, from Dr Feelgood and Game Of Thrones.

Who better to take over at Environment than Uncle Bulgaria, from the Wombles, currently leading the Mail’s litter pick-up on Wimbledon Common.

That’s the easy part. It would be essential to appoint a tough cookie to lead the Brexit negotiations. Sir Humphrey Appleby, from Yes, Minister, would have been Mrs May’s choice, but after the dog’s breakfast left behind by Olly Robbins, no civil servant should be involved.

We should give Topshop boss Philip Green the chance to rehabilitate his reputation. I’d pay good money to see the look on Michel Barnier and Jean-Claude Drunker’s faces when they came up against Green’s bargaining technique. He could take along Mike Ashley, from Sports Direct.

They’d be guaranteed to come back with a better deal than Mrs May. And the delegation should also include a couple of dedicated Brexiteers, such as Johnny Rotten, in his Sex Pistols incarnation, and Roger Daltrey, from The Who.

We won’t get fooled again.