Why are we so sheepish about this?

STEPH SAYS:

OH, HOW my heart sank when I read your letter. This kind of problem in the bedroom is all too common nowadays. Most couples who’ve been together for a long time will experience it at some point and I wish people were more open about it.

It didn’t need to get to the stage it’s at now. Something that is eminently solvable has now been turned into a huge problem!

I understand why you looked elsewhere for attention and validation. Sexual problems can sap our confidence and, as you say, you’ve both put on weight.

Maybe you haven’t been feeling super-hot yourself, in which case the kind of situation you are currently in with your husband can feel like a rejection.

Going online and flirting with other men may have started as an ego boost, but now you’re sleeping with someone else it has got out of hand. You might have thought it would make you feel better, but it’s clearly just made you feel worse.

So first things first — end the fling, now! There’s no wiggle room here. Once you put a stop to it, you’ll immediately feel better about yourself. And will then have the emotional energy to put back into your marriage.

I do wish people weren’t so sheepish about it. Medically, there are solutions to the physical problem and talking about this as a couple may well have saved you from your anguish.

The reality is, none of us has the same body or libido we did in our 20s, but women aren’t faced with such obvious physical evidence of it as men are. So have sympathy for your poor husband. I believe he doesn’t want to talk about it because he feels humiliated by recent efforts. But you do know about it — and he has no choice but to talk about it with you. However, be gentle. Don’t let it become something shameful, but don’t go on about it either. Tell him it’s not his problem, but one you have to solve together.

Don’t tell him about your own unseemly attempts to solve it. Just promise yourself you’ll never stray again and move on. The conversation will be painful enough as it is. There’s no need to make it worse.

You might well have another 30 years with your husband — tell him you’re looking forward to it, and hope a sex life will be part of it in the future.

Be aware this might take a while to solve. You say you want your marriage to work, then give your husband some support and give this problem the time it needs to resolve itself. If this is done with love then it shouldn’t take much time at all.