PM narrowed her eyes like arrowslits and hissed

THERESA May was forced to steady herself at the dispatch box yesterday. Something from behind had disrupted her fragile equilibrium, much the same way as a mosquito bite to the neck disturbs the harmony of a peaceful sundowner.

It occurred right at the start of PMQs when a critical question was raised about her request for another Brexit extension. The query came not from the opposing side of the chamber but from the PM’s own benches.

Henry Smith (Con, Crawley), a Eurosceptic once said to have had Ukip leanings, pointed out that a year-long extension would cost Britain an extra £1billion in EU subscriptions. Dosh, he added helpfully, which might be better spent on schools, policing and tax cuts.

Mrs May turned to her interlocutor, her eyes narrowed like arrowslits, and hissed: ‘We could actually have been outside the European Union by now, if we had managed to get the deal through.’

It was not so much a response as it was an acid-tinged message to her whole party: I wouldn’t even be travelling to Brussels today if it wasn’t for you lot. Ironically, there was no such trouble from Labour’s benches. The opposition has called pax on Brexit while cross-party talks continue. Down tools for now. Ceasefire.

MR Smith’s intervention aside, the rest of the session was a bit of a washout. A soggy detente. Like watching one of those Tom & Jerry episodes when the warring pair put away their mallets to take a breather.

The Government benches were sparsely attended. Three- quarters full at best. With this week supposed to be recess, it’s likely some were monitoring events from some Alpine schloss. Or perhaps they’ve simply given up.

In which case it should alarm them that Jeremy Corbyn has a spring in his sandals. Perhaps it’s because Labour’s humdrum legal eagle Sir Keir Starmer is

now dealing with all that complicated Brexit stuff Jezza doesn’t understand.

Labour’s great leader entered the chamber with the bumptiousness of a Saturday night gameshow host. He flashed colleagues a chewy grin, allowing boyish squit Dan Carden (Lab, Liverpool Walton) to straighten his tie.

There was even a bit of good will toward the Prime Minister during opening exchanges, the two of them swapping tributes to the House’s first female clerk, Sarah Davies. Mr Corbyn claimed he remembered the day Davies had started in the Commons and knew she’d do well. ‘Unlike you!’ screamed a heckler. Uncalled for.

Mr Corbyn focused his attacks on council funding. Authorities were hard-up, he complained. He quoted one council leader who said he was ‘ really short of money’. Not to be flippant, but in the entire history of local government, has there ever been one who has said otherwise?

Newly appointed Brexit minister James Cleverly challenged Mr Corbyn’s figures from afar but made the mistake of distracting Sir Nicholas Soames from his midday reading matter. ‘Do shut up, James!’ bellowed Soames. Well, that’s the polite version of what he said.

Mr Corbyn continued ploughing his pet subjects. Child poverty, food banks, government austerity. Worthy stuffy but the House appeared to miss the raw meat of Brexit. Behind him, Yvette Cooper (Lab, Normanton, Pontefract and Castleford) was rendered uncharacteristically mute. A toddler without its toys.

Over in the ERG corner, there was no sign of Jacob Rees-Mogg (Con, North East Somerset), nor Boris. Sir William Cash (Con, Stone) and John Baron (Con, Basildon and Billericay) sat with the distasteful air of two club bores who’ve been informed the grilled sprats have been removed from the evening menu.

ELSEWHERE cheesed off Remainers Sam Gyimah (Con, East Surrey) and Justine Greening (Con, Putney) ignored proceedings and huddled around an iPad sharing a packet of jelly babies.

There was an entertaining dingdong with the SNP, when their Westminster leader Ian Blackford once again demanded a second referendum. Mrs May pondered why the SNP were so keen to stay in the EU when Scottish independence would mean them having to leave anyway. The ensuing melee resembled Glasgow’s Sauchiehall Street at chucking out time.

At a quarter to one, Mrs May departed for Brussels, barely offering her benches a second glance as she exited the chamber. She wouldn’t even have been going if it wasn’t for that lot.