Meet President Ivanka and rock and roll Mogg!
SUNDAY, APRIL 11, 2049
As the Prime Minister prepares for the 5,794th round of Brexit negotiations, she says she is ‘100 per cent confident’ that they will soon reach a conclusion.
‘In our last referendum, a small majority of the english public made it quite clear they would marginally prefer to leave,’ says theresa May, 92, who renewed her promise to step down when it was all over.
‘so that makes it six referendums in favour, and five against. But there are those who argue it was the other way round. We’d better have another referendum, just to be absolutely sure.’
MONDAY, APRIL 12
sIr richard Branson, 99, says that Virgin will ‘ without a shadow of doubt’ launch its first passenger space flight next year, and he plans to be on it. ‘We’ve had one or two teething problems, but now it’s all go!’ he says. In just three years’ time, he plans to launch his first reasonably priced passenger train to Manchester.
TUESDAY, APRIL 13
the Brexit talks suffer a setback amidst worries that breaking from the eU might not be as easy as it once seemed. Current eU President erdogan calls for england to make up its mind, and he is backed by eU leaders from scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Japan, North Korea and Papua New Guinea.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 14
IN AMERICA, the statue of Liberty is given a major face-lift. the old-fashioned woman with the stony face is replaced with a full-colour statue of the late Kim Kardashian in a sheer catsuit, her right arm brandishing a smartphone.
‘this is a reminder of how far our great nation has travelled,’ declares President Ivanka trump at the opening ceremony. Later the same day, she announces that she is ‘beyond certain’ that Congress will soon give the go-ahead to her late father’s plans for a wall along the Mexican border.
THURSDAY, APRIL 15
UKIP gets a new leader. Lord Farage, 85, has now left UKIP eight times, owing to ‘personal and political differences’ and rejoined it eight times, ‘in a spirit of unity’. today, he urged the Prime Minister to get a grip on Brexit: ‘It’s high time she made up her mind.’
It has been announced that Quintus Decimus, youngest son of Lord Jacob rees-Mogg, will be headlining at Glastonbury. he is the heavily tattooed shavenheaded bass-player with the anarchist heavy metal band toiletz.
Meanwhile, Lennon Gallagher, 49, son of former singer Liam, has been selected to stand as Conservative candidate for the tory safe seat of Guildford on a ‘law and order’ ticket.
FRIDAY, APRIL 16
BBC Question time celebrates its 100,000th question on the topic of Brexit. It coincides with the 36,234th time a panellist has described the process of either leaving or remaining as ‘an absolute outrage’, and the 42,419th time a member of the audience has put the question: ‘ Isn’t it about time our elected representatives made their minds up?’ statisticians calculate that over the past 33 years the phrases ‘cherry picking’, ‘cliff edge’, ‘ you can’t have your cake and eat it’, ‘Leave means leave’, ‘the ball is in their court’, ‘leap in the dark’ and ‘take back control’ have been employed somewhere in the houses of Parliament every 45 seconds.
SATURDAY, APRIL 17
the spice Girls announce a world tour to take in Carshalton and surrounding areas. In a bid for publicity, Mel B, 73, claims that Geri halliwell, 76, once took one of her cough sweets without asking. Geri counters by saying there’s not a word of truth in it.
the ensuing publicity ensures that a further five tickets are sold for their forthcoming gig at Cuddington Village hall, though one of them is later returned.
Meanwhile, campaigners have come up with 635 different schemes for leaving the eU while maintaining ties with europe. the most popular at the moment appears to be the ‘Norway Plus a Bit Minus a Bit’ scheme, which is supported by between two and three MPs, from both sides of the house of Commons.
Most of the other schemes are supported by one member each. ‘We have an honourable Brexit within our grasp’, says the Prime Minister, as she prepares to embark on the 5,795th round of talks with european leaders, described by some commentators as ‘the most important yet’.