Rumpole and the BREXIT Murderers

RUMPOLE of the Bailey is being brought out of retirement and given a modern makeover by the daughters of his creator, John Mortimer. Actress Emily Mortimer and her sister Rosie have ‘reimagined’ the eccentric barrister for a new TV series. The original Rumpole, played by Leo McKern, ran on ITV for 44 episodes between 1978 and 1992.

Celebrated for his literary allusions, his love of small cigars and copious amounts of Chateau Thames Embankment from Pomeroy’s Wine Bar, Horace Rumpole enchanted millions of viewers.

One wonders how Rumpole himself would have reacted to being brought up to date. On being told he had to move with the times, he replied: ‘If I don’t like the way the times are moving, I shall refuse to accompany them.’

He believed the presumption of innocence was the ‘golden thread’ which ran through British justice and only ever appeared for the defence.

But times have indeed changed since Rumpole last appeared at the Old Bailey. The introduction of the dreaded European ‘Yuman Rites’ Act and the creation of the ridiculous Supreme Court have torn up our traditional legal landscape.

Truth and justice have been replaced by spin and duplicity. So, if Rumpole is truly to be updated for the 21st century, he should rethink his guiding principle.

Perhaps it’s time that Horace Rumpole appeared for the prosecution. If there was any justice in the world, the entire political class would be put in the dock at the Old Bailey and charged with murdering Brexit.

The scene is Court Number One, Judge Bullingham presiding . . . MY LORD, I appear for the Crown in this case, along with my learned colleague, the lovely Portia of Equity Court, Miss Phyllida Trant. The defence is represented by Mr Claude Erskine Brown QC and Mizz Liz Probert. This is most unusual, Mr Rumpole. I don’t believe I have ever known you to prosecute.

That is correct, Old Darling. In the past, Rumpole has always pleaded Not Guilty. I recall that Your Lordship presided at my most famous victory, the Penge Bungalow Murders trial. Indeed, I did. Bloodstains, wasn’t it?

Your Lordship’s memory is as acute as ever. But ne’er so bloody as the case before us today. Times have sadly moved on and I find myself compelled, for once, to accompany them. You may proceed, Mr Rumpole.

I am obliged, My Lord. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You see before you in the dock as rum a collection of desperados as ever drew breath. They are charged with the theft, kidnap and brutal, pre-meditated murder of Brexit. What is this Brexit to which you refer, Mr Rumpole?

You may well ask, My Lord, since it has been spirited away before our very eyes in the most vile manner. (ERSKINE-BROWN). I really must protest, My Lord.

Oh, do shut up, Claude. You’ll get your turn. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I invite you to cast back your minds to the morning of June 24, 2016. Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive . . . Get on with it, Mr Rumpole.

Britain awoke to learn that 17.4 million people, a clear majority, had voted to leave the European Union, to cast off the yoke of a corrupt foreign tyranny. Never again would this royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle, this earth of majesty, this seat of Mars, this other Eden, demi- paradise, this fortress built by nature for herself . . . We get the picture, Mr Rumpole.

This is the Old Bailey, not the Old Vic.

Members of the jury, as a consequence of this historic plebiscite, the principal defendant Theresa Mary May became Prime Minister, when ‘Call Me Dave’ Cameron fell on his sword and was carried from the battlefield. She promised solemnly that Brexit would mean Brexit. But she lied through her teeth and far from freeing Britain from the deadly embrace of a hostile foreign entity has surrended the last vestiges of sovereignty . . . (ERSKINE-BROWN). My Lord, I really must protest . . .

Oh, do relax, Claude. Members of the jury, I put it to you that Mrs May, aka Mother Theresa of Maidenhead, the self- styled She Who Must Be Obeyed, as if

there could be another, is fortunate not to have been charged with treason. Mr Rumpole, stick to the charges before the court.

The prosecution will show that the defendant is guilty of grand larceny and murder most foul. Yet she stands not alone in the dock. Behold her co- conspirators, Gina Nadira Miller, Pixie BallsCooper, Dominique Legion d’Honneur, Olivia Leftwing, Jean- Claude Bercow, Philip Spread-Fear Hammond, Amber Roland Rat, Anna Soubry-Loo and O Jeremy Corbyn. I believe charges are pending against others, also, Mr Rumpole.

You believe correctly, My Lord. Unfortunately, there isn’t room in the dock for them all to be tried at once. Another 420 Members of

Parliament have been remanded to appear at Snaresbrook Crown Court on similar counts of kidnapping and murder.

(ERSKINE-BROWN). If Your Lordship pleases, my clients refuse to recognise the legitimacy of this court. They believe members of the jury are too stupid to be trusted to reach the right verdict. They demand to be tried before a jury of their peers, at the European Court of Justice. I bet they do, Old Darling. Motion denied, Mr Erskine-Brown. Pray continue, Mr Rumpole.

I am obliged, My Lord. Members of the jury, in a nutshell, 17.4 million people voted to leave the EU and all its works and the defendants promised repeatedly to honour the result. But immediately after the referendum, the

political class and their confederates stole Brexit and have slowly strangled it to death. Not only have they failed to ‘take back control’, they have handed our once - proud independent kingdom’s fate to our natural enemies. All are guilty of cold-blooded murder.

That is for the jury to decide, Mr Rumpole. Have you anything else before we repair to the Magpie and Stump for luncheon?

If I may further quote the Bard: ‘This land of such dear souls, this dear, dear land . . . is now leased out. England . . . is now bound in with shame. With inky blots and rotten parchment bonds, that England that was wont to conquer others, hath made a shameful conquest of itself.’

That’s enough, Mr Rumpole. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, at the end of the trial you will retire to consider your verdict of Not Guilty. In the event of a majority in favour of Guilty, you will be instructed to keep on voting until you reach the right decision. We are adjourned until Halloween. Mine’s a large Chateau Thames Embankment, Old Darling.

This is the Old Bailey, Mr Rumpole, not the Old Vic