How shallow do you think he is?!
STEPH SAYS:
YOUR letter makes me sad — and a little bit cross. i have no way of knowing if what you say is true or not, but i do know that you believe it to be.
i can also see that you’ve got yourself into a headspace where all that matters is how you look. it’s sad — and such a reflection of our instagram- obsessed culture. When you say you wouldn’t have gone ahead if you’d known what he really looked like, it makes me despair.
i think the whole smartphone dating thing sounds ghastly, and i’m so glad i don’t have to do it. But i do think it’s time to face reality and grow up. i understand that feeling judged for your looks can be corrosive to your confidence, but you do have some degree of control over how you feel. And it’s time to exercise it.
Your letter is all me, me, me and i find myself asking — what about him? There’s another person in all this and it doesn’t seem like you’re giving him much credit. has it occurred to you that perhaps he doesn’t see things like you do?
There are plenty of gorgeous men out there who don’t have the faintest idea how goodlooking they are, or if they do they don’t care.
Dom has always been like that. he can never tell when another woman is hitting on him. it’s one of his most charming qualities. he’s much more interested in the person and their conversation than anything else.
Even if your boyfriend does know that he’s Brad Pitt, he’s in a relationship with you and respectful of that. he is clearly enjoying spending time with you and i think you are doing him a terrible disservice by assuming he’s going to waltz off with a better model. Just how shallow do you think he is, poor man?
The other thing is that, at 44, it’s not like he won’t have had his fun already. Like you, he’s probably looking to settle down and build a life with someone he can love. But you’re in danger of depriving him of that chance.
if you continue with this mindset and allow your insecurity to dominate your every move, you’re going to sabotage it.
Usually, my advice is to talk to your partner, but i don’t think that’s the thing to do here. it’s early days, and suggesting to him just how little you think of his character will be fatal.
Take a long hard look in the mirror and see past what you think you can see on the outside and remind yourself that you are deserving of more. stop thinking about your flaws and focus on your qualities. You’ve found a man you really like and who really likes you. Don’t ruin it.