YOUR QUICK ROMP THROUGH THE PLOT

HI, I’M Maxim. My big brother died, did he commit suicide? Who knows, we never return to this theme again. I inherit the title Lord Trevelyan, but I remain humble. ‘Blake,’ I tell my butler, ‘just call me sir.’ I like sex but there are rules. ‘Not in front of the staff,’ says mater. Hang on, who is that beauty polishing my piano? I can see her pink pants through her nasty nylon pinnie. What a babe. I write a song for her. ‘Mister, I clean?’ she says. In the kitchen, I notice she irons my shirts with sensuous grace and long easy strokes. Excuse me I must go and take a shower. (Hi, I am Alessia. What does he see in me? I am only his cleaner.) Some bad guys try to kidnap her, I take her to Cornwall where she has never seen the sea. Her giggle is breathy, and it speaks directly to my groin. The shield from my family coat of arms perfectly mimics the Albanian flag — what are the chances? She has nothing and I have everything. And if I take advantage of her, what would that make me? Never mind, I peel off her Spongebob Squarepants pyjama bottoms and an old Arsenal t-shirt someone gave her because she has no clothes of her own. She is a 24-year-old virgin, so I must be gentle. How can I explain this without sounding pervy? Slowly I let her adjust to my intrusion. Will that do? (Hi Alessia here. How could I be so wanton? But Mister Maxim has woken a monster within me.) We make love a lot and gorge on ghastly meals. Bad men come. I beat them up. We make love. Again. Back in London Alessia and I declare our love but she gets kidnapped by a man her father promised her hand to in marriage. Ye gods. I fly to her parents’ house in Kukes, Albania, for a showdown. Hope nobody makes me eat that lamby rice thing again. Betrothed guy tries to shoot me, but love conquers all. Alessia says she is pregnant, but she is not really. We have sex together again. I wouldn’t mind some kids, I tell her. She teases my lips with her tongue. Put down that duster, love, I tell her. You’ve pulled. I’m the only Mr Muscle you’ll be spraying from now on. The end.