Hey you pagan eco pixies, here are ten things you SHOULD protest about

What are you rebelling about? Whaddya got? the London demonstrators are infuriating for many reasons, but mostly because of the very vague nature of their protestations.

they want to restore nature and the upcycling economy — whassat all about? — while making us all consume less steak, milk, petrol, air travel, Easter eggs, pop sox, killer bacon and electricity.

all very admirable, if rather organic hogwash pie in the sky, with a side order of babble and squeak. and if things are as bad as the pagan pixies claim, surely we are all doomed anyway?

Look, kids. If you insist upon bringing London to a halt, here are ten things that really are worth protesting about. they make me fume, at any rate.

1. PEOPLE

PEOPLE drive me insane. People who put their shopping on the seat next to them on the bus. People who eat crisps in the cinema. People who can’t applaud in a theatre without also shouting whoop, whoop, like constipated seals who’ve just discovered the joy of a boiled rhubarb enema.

People who play loud music late at night. People who vape and think that it’s not as offensive as smoking, before enveloping you in a cloud of Sour Cinnamon fumes as if they are doing you a favour. People who recline seats on flights. People who are rude to shop assistants and restaurant staff.

2. COMPANIES

Companies who offer free trial subscriptions and then make it hard for you to cancel them. Companies who lavishly advertise compensation schemes, then make it difficult for you to claim compensation. also companies who ask if you want an email receipt when all they want to do is get your electronic address and harvest your data. Companies who cold-call my octogenarian parents to harass and plague them because they believe them to be vulnerable and susceptible. there is a special place in hell for all of you.

3. TRAINS

Where to begin? Perhaps with rail fares which are so, so ridiculously high. this is despite the fact that the Government (i.e. us) gives these rail companies billions and we get nothing in return.

Speaking of which, I am also quietly fuming about the new Caledonian Sleeper prices; £335 (for a double bed) or £205 (single) per person one way to get from London to Edinburgh. a pricing structure aimed at wealthy american tourists rather than the worker drones who thrash from one capital city to the other.

this insane spend of £50 billion on hS2 to shave ten minutes off the Birmingham to London route. nobody cares! a quick raspberry to travellers who spread themselves out on trains so no one can sit next to them, and also those who Facetime on trains.

I spend a lot of time on trains, as you can see.

4. PEOPLE WHO CALL ANNA SOUBRY ‘SOUBS’

SIMPLY enraging!

5. MAYOR SADIQ KHAN

HE HAS one job. and that is to keep London running smoothly. over the past few days he has failed miserably in his task.

at one stage he even thanked the climate protesters for their ‘co-operation’. It almost made me yearn for mad Boris and his water cannons while harbouring the suspicion that the liberal Leftleaning mayor is only democratic and welcoming to causes he secretly champions.

If it were a Support the Badger Cull love-in or a bunch of hard Brexiteers gluing their yeoman buttocks to the oxford Circus topshop, you can bet he’d have the riot police around there quicker than Speaker John Bercow could shout UNLOCK. Speaking of which . . .

6. SPEAKER BERCOW

YOU all know why.

7. THE RIDICULOUS LIONISATION OF ACTORS . . .

Why? Why? I love everyone who valiantly appears in dramas on stage or screen. yet it is difficult to understand why thespians are singled out for such mass official idolatry, via damehoods and knighthoods, gongs and titles and accolades and medals.

you can admire their talents and what they do, while still thinking that a lot of doctors and nurses and policemen are more worthy. Look at Bodyguard richard madden, who has been around for five minutes but he has been named in time magazine’s 100 most influential people. It is ridiculous.

8. POLARISED POLITICS

In Place of reasoned debate and respect for the opinions of others, today’s political arena has become a shrill, depressing pit. Showy invective and bristling animosities have taken the place of tolerance and thoughtfulness.

Extremists on one side demonise the fanatics on the other, while very few who represent the public interest of the middle ground are ever given a chance to be heard.

I saw it happening during the Scottish referendum, and now it is happening again over Brexit.

So depressing.

9. ONLINE OBSESSIONS

a New report says just two hours of screen time a day raises the risk of ADHD for toddlers by 700 per cent. meanwhile, Vodafone has installed 4G technology inside phone boxes on some Cornish beaches, enabling better reception within a 200 yard radius.

So instead of the quiet joy of just looking at the sea, contemplating nature and cherishing the moment, many will be too busy uploading snaps to tell everyone they are on the beach. and annoying me.

10. FINALLY, THE PROTESTERS

ONCE upon a time, they were noble warriors with a proper cause, a curated grievance. now they just seem like posh kids mumbling about consumerism and ecology; an inchoate general gripe overlaid with a misplaced air of superiority. their bleak world view is that this country is broken and that we are all hideous, selfish racist capitalists to boot. they don’t even care who cleans up their mess after they have moved on;

yet despite their protestations, Britain is still one of the greatest, fairest, kindest, nicest and, yes, greenest places in the world to live. In spite of all of the above.