Ephraim Hardcastle
EXTINCTION Rebellion supporter Emma Thompson enlarges her carbon footprint next month flying to the US to host satirical TV show Saturday Night Live. She’ll go down well on the Trump-bashing show, having told a pre-politics Trump to ‘f*** off’ when he phoned for a date and accusing him of toxic masculinity. Can’t go wrong.
CHANNEL 5’s Jeremy Vine embarrassed Brexit battleaxe Ann Widdecombe when he caught her slipping one of his branded pens into her handbag on his show, declaring: ‘We’re always happy for guests to take a pen... open your bag, Ann!’ Will Catholic convert Ann be troubling the confessional over this minor pilfer?
DONALD Trump is scheduled to join the Queen in Portsmouth for the conclusion of the D-Day commemorations. But will he make it? He loathes inclement weather discombobulating his ornate coiffure. The wind in the Solent can be unpredictable with sudden rainfall and winds. Last November rain prevented him attending a WWI Armistice ceremony in France. Come deluge, hail or hurricane, the Queen will be there.
IVANKA Trump, pictured, is apparently keen to accompany dad Donald on his state visit. Her presence could thaw his frigid relationship with Meghan Markle, underlined when he ignored her engagement to Harry. Ivanka tweeted: ‘Wishing Meghan and Prince Harry a lifetime of love, laughter and happiness together. Congratulations.’ Meghan, in turn, has described Ivanka as ‘staggeringly beautiful, but so incredibly savvy and intelligent’. Wouldn’t an invitation to tickle the chin of Baby Sussex consolidate the love-in?
ADMIRAL Lord West, incandescent at politically correct objections to ships being called ‘she’, laments Princess Anne not being allowed to join the Royal Navy like brothers Charles and Andrew, adding: ‘There is no doubt in my mind that she would have been quite a mean warrior.’ It takes one to know one!
JOE Biden’s syrupy US Presidential bid speech recalls his 1987 announcement when he shamelessly plagiarised thenLabour leader Neil Kinnock’s ‘Why am I the first Kinnock in a thousand generations to go to university?’ Little good it did either of them. Red-faced Joe failed to secure the Democratic nomination and Welsh windbag Neil didn’t make it to Downing Street.
DOM Joly, recalling Cotswolds neighbour David Cameron’s alleged intimacy with a pig’s head, was dragging his pet porker Wilbur to his Land Rover when cyclists stopped to stare. Whinges comic Joly: ‘They obviously thought: they’re all bloody at it!’
HIGH-BROW Hugh Laurie doesn’t take kindly to broadcaster Danny Baker reciting a ditty from his 1990s TV series Jeeves and Wooster: ‘Back in Nagasaki where the fellas chew tobaccy / And the women wicky-wacky-woo.’ Sniffs Hugh: ‘I don’t do that sort of thing anymore.’