I fear I’ll never be a grandmother

DEAR BEL

WE ARE both over 70 and had one son later in life.

He’s nearly 32 and married. He persuaded us to move near them for when they had children. My husband wasn’t that keen, but I was.

After three years we’ve made friends and we don’t want to move again. I also volunteer at a local school.

Now our son tells us his wife has been advised not to have children, for health reasons.

They’re dead against adopting. I get the impression he isn’t that bothered, but we’re not sure about his wife — as he advised us not to mention it. We both feel so sad, as though the life we envisaged has gone.

I feel purposeless. Plus, they are thinking of moving, as our son could put in for a transfer.

So what is the way forward?

PAMELA

The best laid plans of mice and men . . . ’ wrote Robert Burns. We all know what follows — that such plans often go wrong. The whole touching poem (To A Mouse) evokes your problem vividly. The poet is addressing a little creature who confidently built his house of ‘leaves and stubble’ in a cornfield, only to have it smashed by a plough — and with winter coming on.

Sadly, Burns comments: ‘ But Mouse, you are not alone / In proving foresight may be vain . . . ’

Who can predict? Our beloved shelters constructed from careful plans can be scattered to the winds by redundancy, illness, bereavement, discord, debt.

A few years ago I printed a letter from a couple invited to move near their family (like you).

I thought it was a lovely idea — only to be chastised by a reader who warned that the young people might later move away, leaving the ‘oldsters’ stranded.

Oh yes, Burns got it right when he said that sometimes ‘grief and

pain’ will take the place of ‘promised joy’. But wait . . . it hasn’t happened yet, and you are in a much better position than Burns and his poor wee mouse!

First — woman to woman — if my son advised me not to speak to his wife about an issue, I wouldn’t listen. Generalisation coming up: men have a tendency to chicken out of talking about feelings.

In your place, I’d seek out quality time with her alone and gently try to find out what’s going on — this having nothing to do with your wish to be grandparents, but showing a loving desire to know more about her health problems, fears and hopes for their future.

‘For health reasons’ my beloved daughter was advised not to have children — but responded with her customary bolshiness and had two adorable IVF babies. It’s vitally important for your daughter-in-law to know you are there to listen, understand, support.

Second, you must congratulate yourselves on what you’ve built: a home, friends, activities. Yet you write, ‘ the lovely life we had envisioned has gone’ and say you feel ‘purposeless.’ I’ll gently point out that none of us can know exactly what our purpose is; for example, it could be that when you are volunteering at that school, your attention and kindness affects just one child very deeply.

But you may never know the long-term effects of what you do. hold that thought and realise that every minute we live mindfully and usefully is of profound use to the world.

Your son may apply for a transfer because the change will bring him more money/satisfaction.

Or they might stay put and live happily with no children. Or they could change their minds about trying for a baby — or even about adopting.

Meanwhile, you and your husband will continue consolidating your lives, watching the seasons change, keeping (God willing) good health, and understanding that love is not conditional.

All this is the fulfilment you already have.

So live in the present and communicate richly with those you love, whatever happens.