Ditch him! Being single is not a curse

STEPH SAYS:

WHAT struck me most when I read your letter was that you seem to be more concerned about being single than you are about losing this man.

You may well have just had a romantic weekend together, but there’s no hint of love here. The fact that the first thing you tell us about him is his job title, tells me that you are primarily concerned with finding yourself a ‘suitable’ man. And it’s blatantly obvious he is not that.

I understand it can be very hard to be single, but it’s not some dreadful curse to be avoided at all costs — and when I say all cost, it seems that you’ll almost do anything to avoid being on your own.

Because be under no illusion, choosing to be with a man who is married — with two children — is morally wrong. You might not want it to be, but it is.

This is not about your heart. I get the impression this is more of a lifestyle drama. Your focus is on wanting to be part of a couple, going out for dinner and always on holidays and minibreaks together.

I have a strong suspicion that, having finally landed yourself a chap, you cannot bear the idea of being a singleton once more and that you have written to us because you’d like us to either condone you staying with him or to sympathise with you for being so badly duped.

Well, I’m afraid I cannot do either. I’m not going to say ‘poor you’. I’m appalled you’re even thinking about staying with someone else’s husband.

Not to mention someone who’s been so massively cavalier with your feelings and deliberately deceitful! It could very well be that he is telling you the truth and is indeed in the process of divorcing his wife, but I don’t think that really matters here.

If you were deeply in love, then maybe, just maybe, it might be worth the inevitable trauma for all concerned, but you’re not, so it isn’t.

And, for what it’s worth, I always think new relationships shouldn’t be started until old ones are truly over — and that means officially divorced!

I do sympathise with your experience of dating apps. From what I hear, they’re teeming with married men using alter egos to pick up women.

And it does seem like this chap has manipulated you, sucked you in until you’re emotionally invested, then ’fessed up.

I don’t think there is a moral dilemma here. You must end the relationship. There are plenty more fish in the internet — and not all of them are married. Have more faith in yourself.