Should I cut off my monstrous mother in law for ever?
That last direct question ends a much longer email and puts me on the spot — because I know you and others will not like my reply.
On the one hand, I understand the ‘Kick toxic people out of your life’ theory. On the other hand, I am a natural conciliator who detests family splits.
therefore, my natural impulse is always to forgive and get on with life, knowing we’re all flawed, but we have to do the best we can while alive because we are dead for ever.
So my personal answer to that last question is: I would break
the impasse by whatever means possible.
My gut tells me (studying your whole email) that I’m on your side. We’ve all met people like your M-in-L — holding firm views about how others should behave while hurting those others by their own actions.
the fact she’s a Relate counsellor should have shocked me (as a patron of that charity), and yet I know the world is full of blind hypocrites, heavy on moralising and light on empathy. and I’m afraid that some of those limited folk do become teachers, therapists, medical practitioners, and so on . . . and no doubt do damage.
that mean trick with the theatre tickets was just disgraceful. I’m sure
your M-in-L would drive me mad. Yet my mind suspects you have glossed over certain things. You clearly have a problem with those stepchildren, yet don’t explain it.
Was your relationship the reason your husband’s first marriage ended? Was your M-in-L fond of the first wife?
You give plenty of detail about the present, but not much about the past. It’s clear (edited detail) you feel rather superior to this lady and maybe she responds to that by being more critical of you than ever.
What was her own upbringing like? Perhaps you and your husband could talk about that.
One thing is clear: a woman who has succeeded in alienating her own sons is the last person to be capable of seeing the hurt she has done, saying sorry and making things workable again.
So the choice is never to see her again — or wave a white flag. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be.
So this is for your husband and father to facilitate. Those men need to talk first because this war is between the women.
Then I would invite his parents over, as if nothing had happened. Perhaps the occasion could be a child’s birthday — a noisy family occasion when there is enough going on for you to be able lose yourself in generalised pleasantry.
Yes, I know it will be damnably difficult — and I do sympathise. But when this lady is on her deathbed, your husband and the children may want to say goodbye — and so therefore the door needs to be kept open.