My lover left our home to his daughter

FIrST, let me say how sorry I am to hear of your bereavement. Although at first glance your email looks as if it might be about the property, the real subject is grief. When you write ‘You always think that you will be together for ever, but sadly it wasn’t to be’, you sum up, with poignant simplicity, the central fact of loss: that its full agony can never be anticipated.

Many people put off thinking about wills and plans, because the reality of death is too unbearable.

But your partner did think, and chose (with your knowledge) to leave his property to his daughter/heir — as many people would feel to be right. Others will take an opposite view, believing that after 30 years you were surely entitled to own your home, not merely to live in it.

I have a friend whose husband made a similar will; she had no choice but to accept it philosophically, even though it ties her to a house bequeathed to her stepson. Her way of dealing with this situation has been gradually to titivate the house in her own taste, and to broaden her horizons with new interests and friendships.

That story offers thoughts about the future. At the moment, it’s vital to understand that since your grief is fresh, nothing will appeal to you.

How can it? You have lost your life partner

and everything in the home you shared must remind you of him. Perhaps your dogs add to your feeling of being trapped, but I hope not. Taking them for walks will be excellent therapy.

Drinking and over- eating are common products of unhappiness, grief and loneliness — but you shouldn’t need me to tell you these bad habits make everything worse.

Now the nights are lighter, you must take your dogs out at the time when you’d pour a drink. Make yourself notice something on every walk and write it down. Please do this for me without fail each day.

What next? It may be a good thing that probate takes time, so you can’t rush into anything you may regret. Surely you have friends and interests you shared with a partner of 30 years?

Don’t let your current mood prevent you from sustaining them. You say nothing about your relationship with his daughter, or whether you’d like to alter the house, so all I can do is assure you that these dark

feelings will not last. In time, you will be able (I hope) to talk things through with others, including your stepdaughter.

Take each day at a time. Think of yourself as ‘caretaker’ if you must — but I would prefer you to buy some new cushions, light some candles and think of yourself as a loving custodian.