You don’t have to open Pandora’s box

STEPH SAYS:

YOu poor thing. This fills me with fear. It’s every woman’s worst nightmare. What you’re experiencing is a thoroughly modern type of adultery — yes, adultery — because make no mistake, even if your husband hasn’t actually slept with another woman, this is cheating. And it’s particularly awful because it is so very deliberate.

In the past, married men might have committed their indiscretions on business trips and kept this at a distance from their home life. And affairs might have started when two people had a chance meeting.

I’m so sorry for you as that’s not the case here — this is a very deliberate act. Your husband has gone to some effort to craft a profile, find a photograph and put the whole thing online.

I agree with you when you say that it’s such a public, and stupid, way to behave. his lack of discretion compounds the betrayal. You’re not wrong for feeling that, and I’m sure tons of other women will, too. I also understand how you’re feeling in terms of being in shock. Of course you are. It’s like you’re sitting there staring at Pandora’s box, wondering if you should open it or not.

The first thing I think you should do is forgive your friend for telling you. I’m sure she will have agonised over whether or not she should. It won’t have been an easy thing to do. For what it’s worth, if it were me, I would have told you as I know I would rather know myself.

This is a very serious issue and I do believe I am not the right person to give you specific advice. With that in mind I think you should explore discussing this further with a professional who is experienced in this area, perhaps through Relate or a similar organisation. I think what you need to do now is allow yourself time to process this before you make a decision.

I have no doubt you have played the scenarios over in your mind already, and I am sure they are all terrifying. But the reality is, there are many possible outcomes here, but you need to decide which one you want to push for before you set the ball rolling. If you don’t know what you want, you won’t be able to try to make it happen.

Writing to us is taking the first step. Now it’s about how you want your future to look. Many couples go through infidelity and emerge stronger on the other side, or, you might find that after the shock has subsided, you think you’d be happier on your own. The only thing you can control at the moment is your reaction to this news. Give yourself the time for this.