It’s enough to put a strain on any couple

WHeN I carried out research into the impact of menopause on men, I found that when a woman is at the mercy of its symptoms, their partners suffer, too.

The woman is terrified by changes that seem beyond her control; and the man who loves her is in mourning for the partner he feels he has lost.

Men aren’t all heartless beasts who just don’t care about the hell our hormones put us through — even though it might feel that way at times. They’re actually bewildered by the seemingly overnight changes they witness in their partners.

The crux of the problem is that they don’t seem to know how to broach the subject. In my survey, less than a third of women said they felt able to talk to their partner openly about what was happening to them.

If men are ever going to properly support women during this life stage then that has to change.

Meanwhile, 65 per cent said they have had little or no sexual contact with their other half since their menopause. They used words such as ‘bewildered’ and ‘rejected’ and ‘saddened’ to describe their feelings.

Of course, any marriage where one partner has gone off sex, is in a permanent bad mood and is infuriatingly forgetful will come under stress. While those are very real menopausal symptoms, few women, let alone husbands, make the connection.

Take Ross Topham, 52, a police officer from Nottingham, whose wife, Keeley, 43, is going through an early menopause. He has seen her change from a bright and bubbly woman, who he says could ‘brighten up any room’ into a shadow of her former self.

‘She’s lost all her confidence,’ he explains. ‘She doesn’t enjoy socialising any more. The physical symptoms began four years ago — burning up and terrible sweating, along with insomnia and period problems.

‘But they were easier to understand and show sympathy for, as those are the kind of things even men know about when it comes to the menopause.’

What Ross wasn’t prepared for were the mood swings, personality changes and memory problems his wife suffered.

‘at first I struggled to see those as being part of the same problem,’ he admits. ‘I don’t think Keeley realised they were, either.

‘That put a big strain on the relationship, as I’d take it personally when she got angry for no apparent reason. When she became withdrawn, I thought it was because she had a problem with me; when actually she was struggling, as she didn’t know who she was any more.

‘Her forgetfulness was a problem,