How EVERY WOMAN can fall back in LOVE with her husband

But be warned: this author, whose own marriage was struggling, says it means accepting his irritating habits (and making time for sex at 3am)

MY husband was the one to suggest a therapist. since he hates to talk, this proposal made me sit up a little.

It transpired that my spouse felt unloved, that the kids and my work were all I cared about and he’d become just another thing on my to-do list. now he was wondering if he still loved

me. The therapist was a last-ditch effort to fix things before calling it quits on our marriage. These revelations provoked sheer fury. To me, it seemed that every part of my husband’s life, including his family, had always had to stand behind his first love — architecture. how dare he now claim to be the unloved one?

I even had ready — without knowing I’d amassed it — a well-developed list of occasions when the children and I had come second, such as the time I had mastitis and a newborn and he went out. Yet now he was threatening to leave us?

Ours was your classic 21st- century marriage in crisis. Two draining jobs, demanding kids, little time for each other and a flagging sex life. Resentment, bitterness, stress, debt and sudden pangs for other people — we had the complete package. I didn’t want to see a therapist, but, equally, couldn’t see a way out of this morass without one, so I agreed to go.

I’m glad I did. We met fortnightly with sue for the next two years. hearing the person who knows me best criticise me in front of a stranger was tough. sometimes, the disclosures led to worse arguments afterwards, which then had to be picked apart at the next session.

slowly, though, we began to clear a backlog of grievances, get to the source

of our recurring fights and understand why we each behaved a certain way. We became ‘we’ again.

Modern life and our 21st- century expectations are hard on marriage. It doesn’t help that we buy into this mad idea that we each have a ‘soulmate’ out there waiting for us. No wonder we’re left deeply disappointed when achieving ‘happily ever after’ turns out to be so much tougher than it sounds.

A soulmate is not a thing. At least, it’s not a thing you can find. It’s a myth trafficked by people selling cinema tickets and subscriptions to eHarmony.

The chance that, on marriage, you have somehow located, attracted, bonded with and then contractually bound yourself to the only person who is the perfect match for you is vanishingly small.

Put it another way: imagine trying to get people to believe there is only one right car for them. Not one make or model, but one actual car, which, in order to be truly happy, they must find. If they pick the wrong one, they’ll be able to get about, but constantly troubled by a nagging feeling they could have done better.

How would you get people to believe something that’s so insane? Easy — just craft lots of beautiful stories about people finding their One True Auto, a car that will never break down or run out of fuel.

Should it eventually let the driver down — maybe it gets scratched — they can always offload it, in return for a big financial hit.

Obviously, that’s bonkers — people would either never buy a car or endlessly trade it in.

The thing is, we don’t find soulmates like some beautiful shell on the beach. We become them over time.

THIS was once accepted wisdom, but long gone are the days when you found a likely contender, tied the knot and then weathered life’s storms together.

Getting married is now seen as a promotion to a better type of life: a ticket to fulfilment, stimulation, security, devotion, status, liberation, connection, transformation . . . and great sex.

Just before my parents’ 59th anniversary, I asked my mother her secret to a long marriage. ‘ Tolerance,’ she said, without hesitating. Somehow, that word doesn’t appear to have made the modern marital wish list.

Over the years, I have explored marriage as a foreign correspondent would a country. I’ve read countless studies, spoken to many therapists and interviewed hundreds of people about their own marriages.

And, of course, you can’t really know a place until you’ve lived there, so I’ve also drawn on my 25-year marriage.

If you’re reading this and happen to be pondering the question ‘Should I leave my partner?’, I’m a good person to ask.

And here’s my quick answer: probably not, or, at least, not yet.

Like beautiful cathedrals and ancient forests, many marriages are worth fixing, or, even better, maintaining — and no matter how tough the present moment, yours may well be one of them.

After all, studies show marriage is good for you: the happily paired tend to live longer, healthier lives. Their children are also more likely to thrive, while married partners, on average, have more sex. Marriage is worth fighting for. My book can help with that. In it, I have summarised in six parts what I’ve learned about marriage — six challenges that those committed for life will face and ought to master, or, at least, grapple with in order to stay together: familiarity, fighting, finances, family, fooling around and finding help.

Today, we will explore each of those areas to understand what can go wrong in a long-term relationship. Then, next week, I will give you insight into how you

might overcome these trials on your way to happily, or, at least ‘do-ably’, ever after.

FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT . . .

UNdErSTANd this — nearly everything about your partner will, at some point, enrage you beyond all reason.

The more you get to know them, the more the things that charmed you will become the things that make you want to set your own hair on fire just to get away from them for five minutes.

You don’t solve this problem by choosing the right person. You solve it by what you do when the novelty has worn off.

When I met my husband, his passion for architecture was intoxicating and his enthusiasm infectious. I would join him on trips to out- of-theway art bookstores, little-known buildings, even lectures.

But, eventually, I wearied of the way all leisure, conversational and life-planning roads led to architecture. I wanted to have passionate conversations about something else.

Yet you can’t have the invigorating parts of a deep passion without the not-this-again parts.

I, too, am no picnic. I am that person who handles any situation by trying to see the humour in it. That can be a drag as well.

But here’s the thing — it’s not just that we cannot change our spouses, it’s that, really, we wouldn’t want to. The things we love about them are organically bonded to what drive us mad.

Is your spouse incredibly fit? Then you’ll be driven batty by how much time they spend exercising. Are they gorgeous? You’ll find the attention from strangers galling. You get my drift?

Love is far more challenging than a fluttery feeling for someone. It’s a willingness to do whatever you can to make that person’s life better, more fun, less stressful, even when you don’t feel like it. We do this with our children. We tolerate — my mum’s word — a lot. You may not want to play yet another game about princesses or push those toy cars around. But you do it because there’s joy in making someone you love happy. This attitude is about turning familiarity into the thing that motivates you to choose this person’s desires over your own — even when they drive you crazy.

LEARN HOW TO FIGHT FAIR

COUPLES fight. You can’t pass off marital quarrels as bumps in the road, to be avoided or endured. They’re key landscape features, to be surmounted — part of how you truly get to know each other.

Some therapists believe that what people disagree about — sex, money, the kids — is far less important than the way they disagree. The fundamental difference between fighting in a marriage and, say, a cage fight, is that you don’t necessarily have to win — you just want an outcome that ensures the combatants will meet again.

The renowned relationship researcher dr John Gottman says he can generally predict whether a couple will stay married simply by observing their interactions.

When people fight with contempt, criticism, stonewalling and/ or defensiveness — which he calls The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse — he says they are most likely doomed.

That’s why it’s crucial spouses learn to fight fair.

MAKING SENSE OF CHANGING FINANCES

THE traditional marriage model (one breadwinner + one homemaker = one family) is fading.

In my parents’ day, men provided the capital and women provided the labour.

But the rising economic power of women has changed how we think about finances. A dual income is now considered to be a necessity, rather than an anomaly, which has a psychological impact on both genders.

Studies suggest men who earn less than their wives are more prone to infidelity and more likely to use erectile dysfunction medication.

Meanwhile, a recent danish study found that wives earning as much as, or more than, their spouse were more likely to be taking medication for anxiety.

That’s because men struggle with the idea that they’re not providers. Traditionally, the male’s job was to make the money — it’s probably the model today’s husbands grew up under. When they don’t, or can’t, they feel like they are failing.

Even today, research shows one of the ways men signal male prowess is to spend money.

So any setback in this area can lead to a loss of confidence in the bedroom, hence the Viagra, or a desire to reassert their alphaness, hence the affair.

Wives, meanwhile, are walking on eggshells, trying not to provoke their husbands’ feelings of shame

while still needing occasionally to bring up money — hence the anxiety medication.

DIVIDE TASKS FOR A HAPPY FAMILY

Our two children were born in December about four years apart. For Christmas, my husband, instead of giving me some useful mothering item, gave me a ring.

Each ring had our child’s name and birthday engraved on it — reminders that he saw me as someone who was still worthy of impractical adornment.

He intuitively knew what research has shown — that new mothers are particularly sensitive to their partner’s behaviour and, if husbands can attend to the relationship while the mother attends to the infant, the transition to parenting can go a little more smoothly.

raising a family is the most draining, exasperating, difficult thing most people will ever attempt.

Adjusting to a baby is just the run-up to the much more difficult incline ahead. How do you manage all that has to be done? How do you divide the tasks equally?

It’s an important consideration, especially as studies have shown women report being unhappier with their marriages than men do when they become parents.

Partly, that’s because dads get to do stuff with the kids, while mums tend to be there for them. More men than ever are doing more work than ever in raising kids — research suggest three times as much as their fathers did — but women are still the primary nurturers, labourers and organisers.

Even in dual-income households, women do almost twice as much housework and childcare as men.

My husband did, I’m sure, 300 per cent more than either of our fathers did. But it was not nearly enough.

It’s a conversation we had to have — and it may well be an issue you should tackle, too.

MAKING TIME FOR FOOLING AROUND

THE other night, my husband — who can normally nod off any time, any place — couldn’t sleep. I knew he had a big day ahead at work and groggily asked if there was anything I could do.

He suggested sex. It was 3am. I wasn’t really in the mood.

But opportunities to do your spouse a favour without even getting out of bed don’t come along every day. I noted with some satisfaction that, afterwards, he dozed straight off.

This is not a sex scene that romance novelists will look to steal, but it was the kind of affectionate entanglement two people who have loved each other for a long time could enjoy.

The problem with sex is that it can become a chief source of pain and estrangement in couples.

While we understand that not every meal we prepare for our family is going to be an incredible feast, modern marriage somehow expects every sexual episode to be effortlessly transcendent. And if it’s not, our emotions can go into a tailspin.

Tellingly, lack of sex is the most common marital problem people ask the internet about. In 2015, there were 16 times more Google searches about a spouse not wanting sex than about them not wanting to talk.

It’s hardly surprising: feeling passion for someone you don’t always like is far from easy, especially when she hasn’t shaved her legs, or he keeps making that annoying clicking noise.

But, if you want your marriage to remain sexually fulfilling, you have to find a way to keep craving the person who is always there.

FINDING HELP TO MAKE MARRIAGE FUN

As I explained earlier, therapy helped my spouse and me cut through various grudges and the recurring fights that were getting in the way of marriage being fun.

We discovered therapy is rather like car maintenance, or springcleaning. You have to look after this institution that protects your health, wealth and the wellbeing of your children.

My book, I hope, can help you work out some ground rules for making your own marriage more fun, but there are some problems for which you need to call in the professionals.

Either way, I hope it helps to get you to a point where you feel like you may just have found your soulmate after all.

If you want your marriage to remain sexually fulfilling, then somehow you have to find a way to keep craving the person you may not always like